It seems that we here at OMGJ are often contacted by people who are interested in writing for the site. Many times, they want to actually be significant parts of the Staff of Writers. Other times, they are simply wishing to get one single article up on the main page, as if it was some sort of strange dream or maybe even a goal of theirs. So those of us who DO write for this page are often asked just what exactly it takes to get “published” on here. Most of us are baffled by the requests and questions, and some of us don’t even know what we’d accept.

That’s where this handy Submission Guideline comes in.

Now we can pretend to be slightly more professional by having a place that potential hopeful writers can consult. It has practically all the answers to all of the questions we have been asked, and many that we have not. So you kids can just look here first. Or, conceivably, you can look here after one of the other writers has directed you to it in a flurry of fear and confusion.

What Do We Want? What Do We DEMAND?

Our Article-related Wants and Needs are simple. Deceptively simple. So deceptively simple that it might actually come off as fairly complicated and harsh. Most of you will be surprised to find out that the slow update rate isn’t JUST because Jeremy is a lazy man, or because we are slow, slacking, lazy writers. It is also because we have a fairly high standard for our writing. We only want to put up the best-we-are-inspired-to-do. If one of us turns in something that most of the others feel is lacking, or is shamefully unfunny, we are rejected and have to Try Harder. It’s so difficult… So let me tell you right now that when and if you are rejected, don’t feel so bad. It’s a pretty common thing to have happen even to the regular contributors.

Let us start with the basics and move on from there:

Article Topics: This Is Really Important, Everyone

Allow me to start off by saying that it is extraordinarily likely that you will get rejected if you write a positive article on Anime. I know we have Hentai Reviews, but Jeremy uses those to mock the horrible and pulsating pants off of whichever hentai film he is watching in terror at the time. Also, it is really not a very exciting topic, anyway. You can only make fun of that stuff so many times before you want the whole world to die. (Hint: technically, you only have to make fun of it twice before you want the whole world to die). It is possible that Anime Conventions can be written about occasionally. Or maybe something talking down about manga or maybe even Japan in general… I don’t know. It’s just not a topic we are very interested in and, indeed, are beginning to loathe with every ounce of our beings. So be forewarned.

Besides anime and otakufag topics, almost anything else will be fine by us. It seems that video games, bad horror films, old toys, nostalgia, and the mighty category of Miscellaneous reign on this site. If you happen to want to write about something like Sports, or Gardening, or Raising a Barn or something, just remember to write about it in a voice that assumes that readers have no idea what you are talking about. This site doesn’t really have a readership that knows about much besides Games, and there are quite a few of us who don’t know anything about Games anyway. It just seems to be a good idea to write about everything as if you were teaching people a tiny beginner course on it.

That’s where the fun idea of Edutainment comes in. Strangely enough, we have recently embraced the idea of educating through entertainment. If you have an aptitude for such fun things, please contact us right away with your articles of gold. Likewise, if you have an aptitude for drawing funny comics, there is no reason in the world why you can’t be a Guest Artist here. Amanda’s comics are all well and good but they are somewhat few and far between. While they can never be replaced, she is completely open to the idea of having other kids step in from time to time if they are good/funny enough. This is actually a lot harder than you might think. They will have to be at least comparable in quality and not at all horrid like 95% of all comics in the world.

Generally, reviews are looked on favorably. Review things that people may be interested in, such as video games or movies. It is best if they are subjects that don’t already have 7945647 reviews written about them. So blockbuster Hollywood films are immediately out, as are most popular things. However, as always, if you have an interesting take on anything, even if it is already often-talked about, and even if it is something that nobody would really be immediately interested in, go ahead and write it and see if we like it. You could even review a new flavor of Kool-Aid and we would put it up if you wrote about it in a way that filled our faces with lols. Use your imaginations and you may find that we absolutely love it. And if we don’t, surely there are other sites out there who would gladly take it.

It seems that for a while there, guides were all the rage. A Guide to Film Making, a Guide to Weight Loss, a Guide to Slavery, a Guide to Dental Health, a Guide to Blending in with Your Appalachian Relatives, and so on and so forth. Guides practically write themselves and often deliver a fine payoff. If you have the knack for writing guides, then for God’s sakes, go for it.

Straight up humor articles are a fine thing to write if you have the talent for it. I don’t really know what else to say about these so I will just go on to the next point.

Preferred Length of Articles: 2000 – 4500+ words.

We actually aren’t huge on word counts, so that’s just a guess at how long most of our articles are. Basically, if, when you reread your article, you feel that it SEEMS lengthy, a good length of reading… it should be okay. We seem to be a naturally long-winded group. Mark’s articles often seem very short to the rest of us, and we call for him to lengthen it quite a bit. But, as it turns out, Mark actually writes to about 2000 words. It is just that, when it is compared to an article by XV Bones, or maybe even Amanda, it seems very short. Then, one of us word-counted a typical XV article and nearly swooned to find that it was dangerously near 5000 words. So, if you think your article is somewhere between a Mark and an XV, that sounds right.

Images: Those Things That Break Up the Monotony

Some readers can go without having a picture here and there while they are reading. Presumably, they have had practice while reading those funny little things called “books.” Some of you haven’t been so lucky, though, and start to panic when you see thousands of words arranged in certain patterns that convey thoughts and meanings. That’s perfectly okay, if a lot sad. However, I think that most of us will agree that reading things on the Internet, especially in the format OMGJ seems to settle on, seems to be less painful if there are pictures every once in a while. It rests the eyes and the mind.

But what do we want in terms of .. whatever? I will tell you! The pictures are expected to be funny somehow. They can also be used to set an example, or display some topic or another that you have been writing about. Or, they can just be unrelated and fun, I guess.

Captions are generally desired. Humorous captions. Captions which make the reader snicker. And so on. It is conceivable that not all images need captions. It is up to you, the writer, to know what would work best.

It is best if you use pictures that you have taken yourself, or drawings that you have done and scanned in, or drawn in MS Paint or whatever. Generally, images that won’t cause the Legal Troubles are preferred. If you feel bold and brave enough to just Google Image Search your topics, here is a pro-tip: It is a good idea to somehow alter the original picture. I find that it is best to put a black line over the subject eyes, because it usually makes me laugh to think that I am making an effort to Protect the Innocent. But – if an angry subject of a picture finds out that you used their image in your article and write to us in an angry rage – rest assured that we will forward them to you, because each author is responsible for his or her content. It will be your fault and yours alone, because we can’t possibly know where you got your pictures, and will be working only on good faith.

Images are placed wherever you see fit. I imagine that you guys don’t need hints on where to place them so that they do not break up the flow of reading and such. It’s mostly instinctual, anyway, as far as I know. You can put as many or as few images as you want. Some articles only need three, whereas others are very image-dependant and require fifteen or thirty pictures. Just keep in mind that it can be worse to have too many pictures than not enough. Also, Jeremy doesn’t really enjoy hosting a huge amount of images for some reason.

Do not make your pictures too large. That takes away from the overall appearance of your article. I find, as a general rule, the images look best if they are about 350 pixels tall, and maybe like as much as 500 or 600 pixels wide. I am sure you can figure out what is considered as “too big” or “too small.” If you can’t, rest assured that we won’t hesitate with resizing your pictures for you if we actually think your article is good enough to go up.

Quality: the Cursed Demon Which Drives Us All, or at Least, It SHOULD

It was touched on lightly in some previous paragraph but it really deserves its own section: OMGJeremy.com actually deals in fine-quality articles. We understand that standards and opinions of what is good, well-written, and funny can be a subject of debate between many people because opinions vary. We respect this, as variety is sometimes called the Spice of Life. However, the main writers of OMGJ, and presumably the readers have similar tastes in humor. That is why we are still around. And, as the years have worn on, we have gotten standards higher and higher than ever before. We don’t want to go back to the days of being somewhat embarrassed and dissatisfied by an update, because one or more of the articles are substandard or appear to have been forced out of the writer’s typing fingers by sheer force of will. We crave the satisfying feeling of a Job Well Done. We want to look each other in the inter-eye and say “Why, I do believe that was our best update ever.” And we want to say it honestly.

After this Guideline goes up, we are going to start expecting the same from you guys. If you are going to submit something, please proofread it a thousand times. We get annoyed and alarmed when we read submissions that have numerous simple errors and horrendous spelling. We also expect the submissions to have a fine handle on vocabulary and an understanding of the value of good sentence structure and various other matters of syntax. We refuse to put up anything that sounds as if it were written by a mildly retarded eight year old or even a violently retarded adult. I mean, we aren’t expecting submissions that would pass as a highest quality dissertation at Humor-Comedy University, but we would like some sign of intelligence. We mostly don’t want smart people to feel as though their intelligence is insulted, and we’d like the less-than-intelligent people to not have an excuse to get dumber. Also, we don’t want to spend hundreds of hours a week editing other people’s work.

Finally, I have been asked to remind everyone that Quality far outshines Quantity in importance. We would rather read a short article that is very good than a long article which is unusually atrocious to read. But you are asked to try your best to write at least 2000 words without compromising your Stellar Quality. Also, write in your own voice. Your thoughts and experiences are unique, and we want things that are written in that real voice. It’s fairly obvious to anyone who reads when the author is trying very hard to write what they think other people would find funny, or when they try to emulate another writer who they adore. Imitation isn’t very flattering, and reflects negatively on the one copying. Write only with the intent to make yourself laugh. Chances are good that it will wind up being more genuinely funny to another person than if you tried to guess what they would like. Got that? Good

Let’s Make Our Rights Known, Yours and Ours

We reserve the right to edit articles lightly. Just make some simple changes in spelling, or maybe rearranging the sentence to make it flow better without changing the meaning. Little things like that. We will not rearrange vast expanses of your article, as that is infuriating for you at best. If your article is very good, but we dislike huge portions of it, we will contact you and ask that you change some things around yourself. However, do not get upset at us if we make tiny little changes. We would be doing it because we feel that it is for the best. Plus, no one would know except you, and you would only know if you are neurotically vigilant.

You will be full credited for your article, of course. But you will have to provide us with the contact information you want up. If you only want your first name, or an assumed name, then tell us so. And email addresses and screen names are also used. The screen names are not required, but email addresses are, in case someone wants to talk to you about what you have written. We don’t want to be any sort of middle man when it comes to fanmail or hatemail for any of the writers.

If, at any point, for any strange reason, you want your article removed or altered in any way or anything, contact us. We will probably be able to work something out with you, but will likely be pretty reluctant to do anything of that nature. So please be certain that you will always want your work viewable on the Internet, or at least until the Internet explodes in a hail of disease and engorged vaginas, which it is bound to do at some point in the future.

Payment: HAHAHAHAHA

This seems like it would be fairly obvious, but it seems like a good idea to put this on the Official Guideline – perhaps to cover our own asses:

You will not get paid to write for us.

All of the articles you have seen on here, all of the comics and the extras, have all been done without payment. The regular writers including Jeremy do not make money for working on this site. So, we cannot pay those of you who submit articles. We really would like to pay everyone someday, and maybe we’ll be able to if things go right. However, right now – do not expect to get paid with actual money. Because, like, you could sit there and say that having your work on this site is payment enough, and that would be awesome if you think that way. But that is as close to “getting paid” as you will get. Them’s just the breaks, kiddo.

Here Is How the Procedure Goes:

After you have written an article that you feel is of a topic that people would want to read about, (a good way to determine this is to honestly ask yourself whether or not YOU would be interested in reading about it if it were written by someone else), and after you have proofread it for spelling, grammar, flow, and et cetera, and you have gotten many friends, family members, strangers, and maybe even your enemies to proofread it and critique it – And everything is as good and as flawless as you can manage – then – AND ONLY THEN – send it to us. Send it to us along with the images, captions, your contact information, and an explanation of who you are and what you are thinking you are doing. It would be best to put all of that stuff at the beginning, by the way. Once all of that is in order, send it on.

Specifically – send all submissions to: omgjeremy@gmail.com

What happens from that moment is fairly simple. Amanda will read your article and look at the attached images, or links to images, however the case may be. If she thinks that the article has potential, she will forward the article to Jeremy, Trev, Mark, XV Bones, Fly – and perhaps some others, if one or more of those kids aren’t available.

If the majority of the other writers enjoy the article, Amanda will respond to your submission and tell you when you can expect to see it up on the main page. It will be a happy little congratulatory moment. Things will be pleasant.

If the majority of the writers think that the article COULD be good if only [a huge variety of possible great big changeable reasons]. Then Amanda will respond to you, telling you that we think it’s pretty good, but not Good Enough. But it COULD be Good Enough if you changed some things. And those things will be suggested in a kind and generous tone.

If your article fails to meet up to any of our expectations and we see no hope in it at all, then you will get a rejection email. Originally, Amanda was going to cover this aspect as well, but Mark has requested that he be allowed to “reject all those sucka mcs.” Something tells me that he won’t be kind, although he may be generous with the amount of insults and rudeness that he supplies you with. Or he may not. It’s really not something I care to speculate on. Just be warned.

Remember:

Your chances of being accepted will be greatly improved if you are able to follow this guideline. We are less receptive to people who are really pushy, or who appear to have spent as little time as possible on their work. Also, do not plagiarize other people’s ideas. We are not all-knowing gods, so we can’t always tell if you have ripped someone off or not. At least not right away. But this is the Internet, and people seem to eventually find out if anyone has put up something originally written by somebody else, accidentally or otherwise. You may understand that this is why we are often so reluctant to put up work done by people we don’t know. We can’t exactly trust people we don’t know, you know.

Speaking of being true, if you are writing an article that includes factual things, please – for the love of God – PLEASE don’t make up the facts. If you are going to review a game, please actually have played that game. If you are going to write a humorous article on Costa Rica, please don’t mistakenly be talking about Guatemala instead. Those kinds of errors are not only embarrassing for you for being such a retarded fuckwad, but they reflect badly on the entire site, even though it wouldn’t really be our fault. Except that we would have put our trust in the wrong person. Which is BAD ENOUGH, let me tell you.

Don’t think in terms of getting on the site so that you can gloat to your sad friends who would possibly be impressed for some reason. Just try to get yourself in the mindset of “What could I contribute that would make OMGJ more enjoyable?” Yes. That is a nice way to think.

And, for those of you who would like to actually join the staff of writers and be MORE than just a random contributor, our only recommendations are to follow these guidelines, turn in three exceptionally good articles in about five weeks, and talk to most of us on AIM, or in emails. Befriend us, be charismatic and nice. We’ll like you. And if you have a particularly grating personality, or if you offend or are a complete shithead, then we probably won’t like you so much, and won’t really want you On the Team, so much. We aren’t some elitist group, or anything. We are being rational. We have to work together a lot, so we have to get along with each other extremely well. And, if we can’t get along with you, that will make everything really awkward and annoying… Yeah.