I love platform games almost as much as I love shooters. Ever since I played Pitfall I’ve been in love with these games. Super Mario Brothers absolutely blew my mind across the room when it came out. Before then I hadn’t played anything like that, and since then I’ve played hundreds if not thousands of these games. Actually, I think the NES had over a thousand plaformers by itself. Since Mario Bros., there have been some high points in platformers… Super Mario World for the SNES, Medievil for the Playstation, any of the Mega Man games just to name a few… but there have been some real shitpiles as well. I know I’m not the only person who played Amagon for days just because they thought it would get better… and then threw it out their window.

In between the good and the bad, there’s the ugly. I personally love the ugly. This is the pit where all the slightly off-key platformers would go. Games like the old Playstation platformer Skullmonkeys fits in this category actually, along with lesser played games like Silhouette Mirage. Another one of the more obscure (yes, even more obscure than the afformentioned games) “ugly” games involves two detectives, spray cans, feces, and fast food. That game would be…

Ah, yes… this game brings back memories of my Turbografx-16. JJ and Jeff was a game my brother had picked up for about $20, and even from the first play we both knew it pretty much sucked. The game was basically a Super Mario clone with worse controls, and that was the least of it’s problems. Let’s start with an obvious, glaring problem of any game that requires you to dodge things being thrown at you… the size of your character.

Friggin' 'Uge!

I mean, you’re a third of the size of the screen! That’s bigger than some characters in fighting games I’ve played! Add this with the annoying control “feature” that your character slides all the time and that adds up to a whole lot of frustration. But is that the only bad point? No, not at all! See that bar underneath the word “Vitality”? Yeah, that’s the one… not only does it decrease when you get hit by objects, but also as you play – much like Wonder Boy (or Hudson’s Adventure Island for you philistines who never played a Sega Master System), and you know what? I hated it on there, and I hate it here too. Absolutely frustrating. I can hear the developers now…”Let’s see, you took a long time getting through the level because you moved slow enough not to get hit by the enemies? Then you die a horrible death because you didn’t eat that apple we hid behind the 43rd bush you ran past! HAHAHA!” I’m sorry, but that’s just cruel.

But what exactly can you do in this game? Well, much like any game of this style you’ll mostly just run and jump. However, if that’s not quite exciting enough for you, you can also attack things two different ways. The most commonly used attack is the kick. With which you kick things. Simple enough. I don’t think it needs much more explaining. And honestly, if any of you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say the word “kick” then you really should stand up, walk away from the monitor, go outside, and walk in front of a bus, because you are beyond hope and it will be a blessing to humanity when you die. Or maybe you’re not a native english speaker. In that case, I hope you don’t walk in front of a bus. At least not until I know you better.

But there is a second attack you have that makes your enemies quake in their small pixelly boots. You can spray them with paint!

Sort of pathetic and anti-climactic... like me in bed.

“What? That’s it?” Yeah, I know those words hurt me very often, but they also hold true for this shitty excuse for a weapon. I’ve been playing this since I was 14, and you know how many enemies I’ve killed with this? None. For a comparison, do you know how many times I’ve urinated today so far? 14. What that has to do with anything, I don’t know, other than I think my kidneys are either playng some kind of crazy joke on me, or they simply don’t exist anymore. But I *do* know that we now have a game with huge characters, bad control, and even shittier weapons.

These things by themselves would make for a horrible game, but the one thing this game did have was extra shit for you to laugh at / be annoyed by. First off, one thing all by itself made me play this game, no matter how awful it was. This game had the one thing I’ve never been able to turn down in a video game. That’s right… Full Frontal Nudity. Oh wait… did I say “full frontal nudity”? I meant a slot machine game!

Hey kids! Gambling is cool!

We briefly touched on my present day gambling addiction in a previous video game article, and this certainly didn’t help things when I was younger. Actually, that’s another thing I always wondered about… ever since I played Space Quest as a kid, I’ve been in love with slot machines, and whenever I go to casinos I also manage to play lots of slot machines. I know, if I end up penniless on the streets of Las Vegas someday, I’m going to blame the gaming industry. Hey, why not? Every other dumbfuck in the world is, why can’t I?

But, rants about stupid people aside, I love games with slot machines in them. Super Mario Bros. 2 wouldn’t have been half the game it was if there were no slot machine bonus game in it. I mean, they’re frustrating, and 99% of the time you walk away empty handed, but occasionally you manage to win big and get a whole load of extra lives. See, I know the difference between real life, and video games… I just like the virtual world a whole lot more. If I win in Atlantic City, you know what I get? A bit of money, and a whole lot of headaches. I win big in JJ and Jeff? I get a load of extra lives, and some more notches in the vitality bar. I honestly think there’s no comparison.

But back on topic, in JJ and Jeff the primary thing to do while playing is to run through the level and kick everything you see. I’m talking lampposts, trashcans, men’s room signs, everything. When you do, a lot of things could come out. Most items (if they look like food) are food and give you more vitality in the vitality bar. You may also find coins, which you save up for use on the slot machines. The third thing you could get is feces, that’s right – a comical little Hershey’s Kiss of poo flies out of things when you kick them sometimes. I’m not joking.

This game is scat-tastic!

But slot machines are not all this game offers for me to laugh at. No sir, there’s also the amazing help this game provides. In some of the rooms where you’d find slot machines, you would also find help from inappropriately dressed characters! So let me get this straight, I’ve been running and jumping all day through the forest, and I finally come upon a doorway where I expect I can satisfy my gambing itch and instead I find…

So am I in heaven? I was told I'd get a thousand virgins...

That is just plain cruel… I mean, I’ve spent time playing your shitty game, earning coins and dodging pieces of shit, just to finally reach the doorway to what I thought would be a slot machine, and you give me this?! This is like being called by an ex-girlfriend, asking if she can come over for a late night sex call, just to show up and have her tell you to try and meet a girl sometime, so you can have sex with her. It’s happened. It sucks. And it sucks just as bad on JJ and Jeff too.

But no amount of any illegal substance known to man makes this next statement make any sense…

"Wonk, wonk, wonk"... so sayeth the Lord.

And there is one more thing that makes this game noteworthy. When you start the game you pick if you want to be J.J. or Jeff. It’s not a big decision, since there is no difference to the game, but the person you didn’t pick will come along and spy on you and eventually even try and stop you from… uh… whatever the point to this stupid game was. Anyway, this leads to some of the best screenshots I’ve ever taken. Let’s have a look, laugh, and love together, shall we?

I hope he is peeing...

This is the first thing you see in the first level of the game. That’s the kind of message we want going to the kids of the world today. We want them to know it’s ok to shake your shananagan in public. That’s what the kids need to know.

Well, it’s 5 am here (EST) on Saturday night, and I’m pretty drunk, so I’m just going to leave you with one more pictures and one more thought.

Furries are lacking in games today.

Overall, this game is acceptable, but when the day ends, it is just a good pile of laughs. I don’t know what I’m typing at this point – so I’ll leave it at “see you next week, or I won’t!”