I am not one to scare easy. I have chose to talk about this subject because with Halloween nearing, it seems every one of my sissified-ass friends feel the need to send me link to videos that are “scary” and “creepy”. Normally I will give them at least a half-viewing, dismissing them for more un-scary shit that is a waste of time. You see, deep down I wish I could be scared by these clips, but somewhere along the line I lost the ability to do so. Whether I just have trouble suspending my disbelief, or I’m just 2 HARDKORE, I can’t bring myself to so much as catch a chill from the usual garbage floating around. However, some of you out there may be different. In that case, I have kept a few of the links, and dug up a few things blindly that I will be watching for the first time as I write this.  So sit down, prepare to be scared, prepare to be horrified, and prepare to open a bunch of extra tabs.

The Scariest Picture on the Internet

A rather bold title, I mean really. Take into consideration the number of pictures on the internet, and to go out on a limb and proclaim yourself the scariest of all…this video at least has some balls. This video demands your respect. So you look at this picture for the 2-some minutes, and then you go batshit later on that night…that is what I’m picking up from it.

Reaction: I tried focusing until I noticed she doesn’t have feet. This is a fact I could not get over.

Later that night: I woke up screaming, my bed urine-soaked. When attempting to console me, I struck down my girlfriend, threw furniture about the bedroom, and ended the night in a corner threatening my own life. The average night.

Pickle Surprise

There are times in my life that I so strongly want an explanation, yet at the same time I do not. This is one of those times. Maybe this is an advertisement, maybe this is some pro-tranny battle-cry, or maybe this is just straight up Hell. Weird women make weird faces, and some guy with a big green penis on his head takes you one step closer to a mental breakdown.

Reaction: Not scared, but sick. Kind of like how you feel when you eat too much. I would like to throw up, but I fear that if I put my head down for any period of time that thing will sneak up behind me and touch me. There is so much sexual imagery that it brings up horrible pictures in my mind of that pickle-man having his way with those other folks. Is that what they wanted? WHY would they want that?

Bedfellows

A very short film, a very basic premise, an…OH SHIT!

Reaction: A creepy-ass clip ruined by a jump-scare. I swear, if they would have faded to black before that, my plans for the night would not have included sleep. This is why I don’t mess around with phone-calls in the middle of the night…nothing good ever comes of it. I have only answered three calls in the middle of the night. One was to tell me my uncle was dead, the other was a wrong number from a friendly Mexican man, and the other was from my dead uncle OOGA BOOGA!!! Did I get you? Anyway, the only thing that keeps me going is that I know if something like that ever happened to me, I would end up pissing all over that thing (on accident, but still).

Spanish Live Simpsons Clip

Here we have a brief clip of what I am guessing is one of those Spanish super-shows where they have skits, throw pies, and you are guaranteed to see a midget. I do not know what is being said, but does it really matter?

Reaction: I can only shudder while watching this. I am not completely certain as to why, but I’ll be damned if this doesn’t chill me to the bone. In my head I make it much worse, as I think a bit too much about it. I think about what they must feel like…their skin a cold plastic. I think about what that place must smell like, I am leaning towards rotten fruit. I think about turning off the lights, and there they stand at the foot of my bed. Staring at me, staring at me with those awful eyes. I bet they don’t blink, can’t blink. I’ve got the covers pulled over my head, but those are the eyes that you can FEEL on you. Eventually they leave, so I slowly pull the covers back down. All I see is the white of those horrible eyes. I will never be seen again.