These classy girls will probably give you all the "candy" you could want Halloween night. And probably some you don't want that will last long after Halloween night.

HEY WOMEN!

Halloween is upon us, and you know what that means! Oh, you don’t? Well, you’ve spent too much time in the kitchen if you don’t know. Halloween is a time for all women to dress up like the sluts that deep down they all are (or at least wish they could be). Now you don’t really have to try that hard to find a proper costume to get this across, because costume-makers worldwide have discovered this long ago and have left you with MANY options. Just go to any costume shop or Halloween store, and you will see the standards that you should adhere to if you are any sort of woman at all. I know it can be a little overwhelming, so many slutty options…so I am here to help. The following are a selection of what I consider to be some of the best slutty costumes going at the moment. So ask your husband (or male handler) for permission to sit down and use the internet, and enjoy!

(Mind you these are all costumes that are store-bought. I was going to originally allow home-made costumes but some girls REALLY go above and beyond when it comes to being a monumental whore.)

Special Note: NO Fat Chicks

Slutty Tits-Nearly-Popping-Out Construction Worker

Long has the construction worker conjured up a distinct image in the minds of all people. The burly, slightly overweight, grizzled, mountain of a man who looks tough as nails but has a heart of gold. That image, or of course that of a fat piece of shit who sits on a beam and whistles at women during his day-long lunch break. Well ladies, it is time to throw aside that image! While you won’t have the pride of the male construction worker, or the respect of those around you, you will have one thing that most of the fatass constructions guys have…an enormous pair of tits that are just about ready to pop out of your uniform. Wear this little number and you’ll be erecting something…and it sure won’t be buildings. Complete with hard hat, small strips of cloth that resemble a vest, and skirt that will show off DAT ASS the moment you bend on over to pick up one of the thousand things that folks will oddly drop while around you…this outfit has it all! It also comes with several tools, made of plastic so you silly women don’t hurt yourself trying to use man-things. You’re only good for using one tool, and with this outfit you’ll certainly be handling at least a few of them by nights end.

This could probably also double as everyday-wear for any gals who have a job on construction (as a secretary of course). Take the unnecessarily long walk by the boys to your car at the end of the day to make sure you get maximum ass-slapping and cat-calling. You can complain about it to your girlfriends when you get home, but we all know you love it.

Slutty Tits-Nearly-Popping-Out Pirate

Pirates are all the rage nowadays, and sluts never go out of style…so put the two together and you are sure to be the talk of the party! You’re probably also going to end up being the mouth and crotch of the party, but some of you ladies are no stranger to that. Not a very authentic costume, but you’ve got your breasts about 5 seconds from exploding out of the thing, so nobody gives a shit. A great feature of this costume is the number of pieces of the outfit you can leave on while getting done in the hall closet, janitors supply closet, bathroom, etc. Leave the hat on for a fun romp, or put it on your gentleman caller in the midst of action. If you haven’t shaved your armpits, which every women should do daily, then leave on the “shirt” so you don’t make your man throw up. The boots, well those boots aren’t made for walkin’. The sword…well you adventurous ladies can figure out a thing or two to do with that!

Oh yeah, just make up some sort of joke about planks as well.

Slutty Bee With Sorta Tits-Popping-Out And Really Short Skirt

Mainly included as a tribute to Bee Jeremy, you’ll have all the fellas buzzing when you fly in with this little number on. While the top leaves little to the imagination, it is the bottom half of this ensemble that will gather the praise. The skirt is short, just a little shorter than the length I think all women should be obligated to wear (except fatties and uglies). The whole crowd is going to see your ass, and a lot of it too. Just get over that thought, and stop having a panic attack because you don’t want to expose yourself to so many drooling guys. Do it now, before you get as old as Amanda. That ass is gonna get flabby and wrinkly one day, and you’ll be wishing guys would line up to see it and shove their fingers in and around it everytime you walk by. I recommend leaving undergarments at home that night, but only if you want people to like you.

The boots annoy the fuck out of me and will annoy the fuck out of everyone else. Switch them out for some sort of slutty stripper boots, at least something that covers your feet…because nobody fucking likes feet even if you think yours are “cute”.

Slutty Tits-Moderately-Popping-Out Ghostbuster

Who are the guys gonna call when they want some easy ass? You, you piece of shit whore. Not only does the outfit reveal the two things about you that men care about, but you get instant geek cred for sporting anything Ghostbusters related. The hat doesn’t do so much, so ditch it if you want or give it to the guy who can throw you the farthest. Bustin’ makes a guy feel good, and they’ll be more than happy to bust all over you with this little getup on. They’ll be lining up to shove their Neutrona Wands into your ectoplasmic entity. Hell, it’s the one time that it’s okay for a couple of guys to cross streams, you just make sure you get all of it you can. A woman’s work is never done!

Note: Please watch the Ghostbuster films and at least be familiar with the source material before you wear this. If you do and you don’t even know who Peter Venkman is, I’ll personally come and see to it that you fall onto a coffee table, or run into a doorknob.

Slutty TITS OUT Devil

You’re probably going to jail if you wear this out in public, so have fun while you can. Just know that by dressing up in this, one of the sluttiest store-bought costumes you can get, you are more of a woman than all the rest. We’d respect you, if it wasn’t for the whole being female thing.

With all the options in this article, and the hundreds of other costumes out there along these lines…shapely and attractive women have no excuse to dress up in something that covers more than 30% of their skin. Guys invite you to parties to eyeball you, hit on you, and hopefully get a little so they can move on to the next girl…so at least make it a little easier on them by giving them something to look at and a good way to judge whether or not you actually are hot or just look like it when you are fully dressed. You think that big hairy mole on your side won’t be a big deal, but when a guy can only muster up half-a-stack because he’s staring that monster down…you’ve got a problem.

So this Halloween, you ladies be smart (as smart as possible) and give the men of the world something to look at, and validate your reason for existing! But all the ugly girls out there, remember you still have your place. Somebody has to be in the kitchen during all these parties.