This is a first for me, ladies and gentlemen. Normally, I’m fairly good at judging a movie by it’s box, and I have managed to avoid a movie that ends up being too awful for words. Alternatively, I have rented many movies (most of which I have reviewed here) solely because the box made it look bad. This movie, however, fits none of these rules. If you saw the box above, what kind of movie would you say you are renting? I’ll tell you what I thought – I thought this would be another “mysterious monster shows up and slowly kills a group of friends until the last friend or two make a last desperate stand and kill the monster”. Well, I was way off. This movie is nothing like the box makes it look… but not in the way I’d like.

This kid probably has some awful childhood memories...

The movie opens, after a fairly cool credit sequence where we see someone mutilating a collection of baby dolls to make some disturbing art (shown above) in a deserted field, with four people sitting in a car waiting for someone to deliver a monkey, which they are supposed to guard overnight until someone comes to pick up this monkey the next day, when they will receive a large sum of money. This is an easy enough plan I suppose… I mean, it’s got to earn more money than writing a humor website ever will, and probably takes up less time as well. Oh well, I could have started a porn site where midgets have sex with farm equipment if I really wanted to make money, but unfortunately for you I decided to write about movies like this instead.

From L to R - Alex, Fatty, Martin, and Lauren. Feel the excitement yet? Me either...

I suppose now is a good time to introduce what will be 4 out of 5 of the main characters in this movie.

Alex – Alex is more or less the leader of this group. He is quick tempered, and cold blooded. In short, he’d be a great elementary school teacher. At least that’s how I remember it.

Martin – Martin is the old professional. He’s been running with this group for a while, and this is his last job. He’s got a family to take care of, and they need him alive to support them. Luckily for him, this job should be simple enough. It’s just guarding a monkey, right?

“Fatty” – Poor Fatty. Fatty is the joke of the group, but when all is said and done, Alex needs Fatty around. Fatty is loyal and unquestioning, and while he may not be the brightest bulb on the tree, that also means he doesn’t know how dangerous some things really are.

Lauren – Lauren is the brains. She knows how to use computers, she drives the car… she’s sort of like B.A. Baracus, but with less gold chains, and better looking breasts.

This quartet of criminals-for-hire have apparently been waiting out here long enough for doubts to form. The group begins fighting amongst each other, and Martin pulls a gun on Alex. But just when this movie starts to get a little bit exciting, their contact arrives. This also marked the first time I realized I would not be enjoying this movie, since this movie is filled with “smart remarks”, but they aren’t really all that smart. I’m sure you’ve got a friend (cough, LarryPoon, cough) that thinks he makes a whole lot of clever insults and comebacks, but really they are obvious and / or really lame? Well, this movie appears to have been written by a room full of those people. The quote that made me aware of this was said as the group is exiting the car. Lauren looks at Alex and says “Good things come to those who hate”. Oh! What a clever twist of a common phrase! … blah…

The group is met by a mad-scientist sort of character and his assistant. They have the Item with them, but it’s unconscious. They have managed to put it to sleep and seal it in an alarmed box. The scientist opens the box to show them the emergency procedures that must occur if the Item awakens. We don’t get a really clear shot of what is in the box, but one thing is apparent… this thing is no monkey. After listening to the group say ‘Fuck’ about 30 times, they then close the box and load it into the car.

However, the scientist decides, after listening to this group of retards argue, that the Item is no longer for sale. These cretins obviously don’t know what the Item is, and there’s no way he will let them keep it. Alex doesn’t see it that way however, and shows the scientist and his assistant that he means business… by shooting them both. A lot. I guess that would stop them from taking it back though, so I suppose I can’t argue with his methods.

So now they have to find a place to hide out until their employer contacts them to pick up the box. So where do you go when you need to be safely hidden away from anyone that might be looking for something that isn’t a monkey in a box? Why, you go to Alex’s cute asian girlfriend’s house!

At least Alex has good taste in women... since he has bad taste in partners.

This is Rita, Alex’s girlfriend. She’s an art student, and as we look around her house we can tell she’s the creator of the dolls shown in the opening sequence to the movie. There are many other pieces of her art all around the house, and while i might not like this movie, I did like looking around at the house. I also liked looking at Rita. Maybe it’s just us game dorks, but ask any of us – a cute asian girl might as well be the Holy Grail… we all want one, but the only information on how to obtain the item we seek is shrouded in mystery and guarded by an order of knights that are willing to die to protect it. Or something like that. I don’t know where I was going with that… uh… hey! I’m hungry! And luckily, so are our “heroes”, and they send Rita out to go get chinese food.

At this point, since they are alone, Alex decides they should look at this “monkey” in the light. It’s asleep, so what’s the worst that can happen? Since Lauren is the master of computers, she figures out the electronic code to open the box, and they all gather around this thing to take a look at it…

Now we're getting somewhere!

Finally, we get to see some of the monster… but it appears to be some sort of worm-like blob… but we haven’t seen it’s head yet, or what it looks like standing up. I hope it happens soon, because so far we’re about 20 minutes into this movie, and I already want to watch my guinea pig sleep… it’s more action packed to say the least. But Alex and the gang have decided that this non-monkey is the most interesting thing they’ve ever seen, but their private viewing is cut short by the intrusion of some of Rita’s artschool friends…

These are some ugly chicks... oh wait!

Yes, Rita’s friends are a group of transvestites! As Alex tries to come up with some reason for what they’re doing without bringing attention to the Item, the trannys notice the fairly large beeping metal box, and are extremely interested in the white puffy thing inside the box. At this point the movie surprises me again, and we are treated to possibly the longest and most poorly paced gunfight scene ever. I will (luckily for you) summarize it as follows: Martin, Fatty, and Alex chase the transvestites. Fatty is tricked by the saucy asian drag queen (who just so happens to be a master of martial arts) and manages to lose his gun, resulting in a stand-off between the kung-fu cross-dresser and Fatty and Alex. Eventually though, his/her luck runs out when the gun runs out of ammunition, and Alex finally takes him/her down. This was a 10 minute scene that I’ve cut down to 5 or 10 seconds of reading. You can thank me later. Martin manages to track down his prey, but we never see the final shot…

However, Rita returns with the mound of chinese food they ordered (and somehow missed the extremely bloody corpses of her friends), and they then have another really long scene of witty banter while they eat their meal and get drunk.

Throw food at Fatty! It's fun for all ages!

My favorite quote in the movie occurs in this 5 minute sequence (which is approximately 4 1/2 minutes too long). While they are discussing sexual practices and body piercing, Martin says to Fatty, “Hey what is auto-erotic asphyxiation?”. Fatty’s response? “It’s when you fuck a car.” Priceless. I laughed hard at that, but I’m not sure if it was that it was honestly funny, or if this movie sucked so bad that all my brain could think of was “laugh, and maybe soda will shoot out of your nose.” In any case… they continue fucking around until their meal is interrupted by the alarm on the box.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot – amidst all the chinese food, dead transvestites, and amazingly bad dialogue, it had slipped my mind – this is some sort of monster movie, so it may be a good idea to eventually see some action from the monster itself. As the group approaches the box, it begins shaking and hopping around, as if the Item inside was trying to escape… yes, it appears we’re finally going to see the Item kick some ass. As they were directed by the nameless scientist (before they turned him into a bloody pile of meat), Martin unhooks all the crap that kept the Item asleep. This is also the first time Rita has any idea that the box contains anything but a monkey. As you can imagine, after seeing a 3 foot long worm-shaped mass flopping around in a box, Rita is completely in shock.

Finally we get a good look at the Item. At this point, I’d like to point something out. Look at the box cover at the top of the page. We don’t see much of what is in the box, but we do see that it appears to have a lizard-like eye – at the very least, it’s got one eye. So what does the Item actually look like?

Uh...

What?! This thing is not only completely not lizardlike, but also has no eyes. If it ever did have eyes, they were sewn shut by someone (I’m guessing that scientist). And, it’s only about three feet long! Unless this thing spits acid or something, I have lost all faith in this movie. I didn’t have much after watching a 10 minute fight scene with a poor excuse for a transvestite, but now… I have almost no patience left.

But the group seems completely content accepting that the Item is harmless. They put it in a bucket, and then place it in a bedroom, and the let Fatty guard it. Fatty?! I wouldn’t let Fatty guard an empty pack of cigarettes. However, the rest of the group is busy. Alex and Rita go off to have sex in a bathtub. Lauren tries to contact the people who hired them, and Martin goes with her to talk about his problems. Here at least we learn a few things. One, Martin is dying of brain cancer. Secondly, the only reason Lauren accepted this job is that an anonymous person sent her secret email account the job, and they used her real name. So she only took the job to find out who the offer came from, and how they knew who she was.

This is another entirely-too-long character study scene. The movie is now 50 minutes into it… and the Item has yet to be more than a college film student’s wet dream. However, it’s time to see what the Item can do… and what does the Item do?

Fuck this, I should have rented a blank tape - it would have been more rewarding.

Why, it speaks to Fatty in a high-pitched nasally voice! And what does it talk to Fatty about? About his psychological problems! … Ok. This is now officially the worst thing I have ever rented. I expected some sort of shitty slasher film, but instead I have been treated to a poor man’s Reservoir Dogs set in the Twilight Zone. I am severely disappointed so far. The Item and Fatty begin yelling back and forth, leading to Fatty yelling “Fuck Them!” over and over again, until the Item says “Turn Out The Lights” and Fatty begins screaming that. Then Fatty runs out into the room with the others, still screaming “Turn Out The Lights!” and begins spraying the room with bullets.

Fatty loses it. About this time I thought I was beginning to also...

Why? I don’t know, and frankly I don’t want to. All that matters is that because of this outburst Martin is now guarding the Item, and Fatty is taken out back and shot by Alex, since Fatty is too much of a risk. This makes Lauren and Martin begin fighting with Alex, since they have been a foursome for years. Again – a long boring scene. This movie is nothing but boring scenes strung together with a fairly hot asian girl and a 3 foot long Glowworm with it’s eyes sown shut.

The argument has gotten Martin all shaken up, and he goes into the bathroom to vomit. After all, he just lost what he considers to be a brother. While he is throwing up, the Item appears in the bathroom to talk about Martin’s brain cancer. I’ll get back to that… because while Martin is throwing up, Rita and Lauren are discussing art, and (more importantly) Alex is out cutting off the hands and head of his former partner-in-crime. While Alex is doing this, he hears a sound out by the car… but we shift back to Martin and the Item, who are now lying together in the tub… I think…

How romantic?

Martin and the Item are talking about how Martin is filled with guilt. Then the Item’s head explodes and covers the wall and Martin with blood but then begins speaking in rhymes. I don’t know if this really happened or not (because when we see the Item again, it’s head is still in one piece), but at least it looked cool. Martin then runs screaming out of the bathroom, where he is met by Alex who is not too pleased with his handlebar mustache wearing companion. It appears Martin didn’t kill the transvestite earlier, and Alex has found out. This begins a fairly violent fight between Alex and Martin…

Ok. I’m going to do everyone a favor, and just summarize the rest of the boring shit (i.e. all but the last 3 minutes or so). Martin gets shot when his gun falls into the hands of the missing transvestite. Alex then kills the transvestite. Alex tries to then shoot his girlfriend, Rita, but Lauren has decided that Rita doesn’t deserve to die – and shoots him. So the only people left are Rita, Lauren, and the Item. There… I’ve managed to cram some of the worst 20 minutes of film I’ve ever watched into four sentences. I’m pretty proud of myself right now.

Lauren then leaves the house – for where, I don’t know, leaving Rita alone with the Item. So what does the Item do to Rita? Does he talk to her about her art? Do they discuss politics? Do they play Monopoly? NO…

What?!

They kiss. But it doesn’t just stop there…

What!?!?!?!?

Rita removes her clothes (Yay!) and then begins fucking the Item.

Uh... I don't believe this...

No, I didn’t make that up. It’s all real. Rita and the Item have sex. This scene right here is the WHOLE reason I reviewed this movie. I had no idea that it was coming whatsoever. I sat on my couch speechless for about half an hour after I saw this. I then rewound it, and watched that whole scene again. I’d say this scene alone is almost worth renting it for. Luckily, I have ruined the only scene worth seeing – So, don’t waste your four bucks.

At this point the movie just cuts to the credits and it ends. That’s it. We never figure out what the Item is, where the Item came from, who hired Alex and his gang… nothing at all is resolved. So why would I bother sharing this with you? Well, if nothing else you got to see pictures of an asian girl having sex with a giant worm – and it wasn’t anime!