I will start this article by saying the following:

If this is what passes for a “horror” film these days, and if this is what scares people…then we have entered an era of being a bunch of no-taste pussies. I watched this film after hearing how it was quite possibly the scariest film of the year, the decade, or perhaps OF ALL TIME! Granted, movies don’t really scare me…but I still watched this one with the hopes that all the people talking about how they pissed themselves watching this were right.

They were far from being right. What you are plunking your money down on is not a horror masterpiece. Film yourself and your significant other doing your day to day activities, then splice that together with an episode of “Most Haunted” and you’ve got this film. The “story” centers around a young couple who have just moved in together into a very nice and spacious home, even though neither of them seem to actually have a job. The girl has had a rough past, and has experienced some hardships in her past and also experienced some activity (of the paranormal kind). Her boyfriend proceeds to purchase a big-assed video-camera in the hopes that his girlfriend will continue to experience these events and he can snag it on video.

The next 90-some minutes is just bad, and can best be described in the next section.

The Strict and Predictable Routine the Film Follows

Ever watch House? The television show about the doctor, and not the completely awesome horror flick from awhile back. If so, you know how utterly predictable that show is, at times to a fault. Patient passes out, nobody knows what is wrong, someone else guesses the illness but is wrong, House swoops in and saves the day. Take that predictability and up it a few notches and you’ve basically got this film. The entire film is essentially this:

1. Daytime scenes in which the couple argues and / or tries to make up after arguing.
2. Night scene where a loud noise is made or a door shuts. Girl screams, guy grabs camera.
3. Girl whines about wanting to leave the house, Guy does not want to leave the house.
4. You start to boil with anger when you see some pussy actually cowering in fear.

I'm going to guess a loud noise happened here

The Boyfriend

I don’t remember his name, but I remember his being a stupid douche. I am sort of on the fence with my supernatural beliefs, but the moment some ghost shit goes down in my home…I’m gone. If a ghost wants to get a piece of me, they’re gonna have to run after me and hope they don’t trip over their sheet in the process. This dumbass chooses to stay in the house, even after facing down a series of REAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY SCARRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY loud bumps and lights cutting on and off. It’s bad enough that he is obviously spitting in the face of some demonic force, but his girlfriend is going batshit insane all at the same time. Or maybe she was just on the rag.

This character epitomizes the guy that you want to see get it in these films. Normally a character like that is great because you want some other folks besides the main characters who can be killed off. But in a film like this, filmed as if it were inviting you into the lives of these two people…you shouldn’t HATE them. If anything, you should feel some sort of connection to them so when bad shit happens you worry for them, or pull for them to make it through, or any of that stuff you do when a character is actually fleshed out and not just thrown on the camera so a studio can turn a buck.

The Girlfriend

She was unattractive and could stand to lose a few pounds.

Limited Release…Not Limited Enough

I love the gimmick they had for this film. Only put it in a few theaters, so only a few select people could realize how much it fucking sucks. Meanwhile, they show commercials with footage of crowds screaming and covering their eyes and acting like a bunch of 3 year olds. They go on to pretty much proclaim this to be the Jesus Christ of horror films, then say something about how this film will rape your mother and beat your children and all other sorts of stuff.

LOOK OUT! HERE COMES THE SHAKY-CAM GHOST! OH NOOOOOO!

You see this preview and are sorta on the outs, but then you see it is a limited release. So you casually get online to see if it is in your area, and you see that the closest theater carrying it is about 2 hours away. Now, knowing that you more than likely can not see this film, you WANT to see it. You HAVE to see it! You have to know what all the fuss is about! Then when (surprise, surprise) it got a wider release, you are finally able to go, eager to plunk down that cash money. That is when you find out the truth.

You are watching the home movies of your most boring friends.

The first quarter of the film really feels like that. I guess it is trying to establish the characters or something else it is failing to accomplish, but for a film that has been touted as the scariest movie in the world…I don’t want character development. You want the shit scared out of you from start to end. You want to grip those arm rests or someone else’s leg until you feel your nails sinking into cushion (or flesh).

The only way this film could even remotely cause someone to shit is if they put extra extra butter on their popcorn.

Is it My Fault?

I don’t scare easily by films, or really at all. So can my opinion really be trusted when it comes to this film? Is this actually a good film, and I am the one at fault for not recognizing it?

No.

This film fails on so many levels. I’m a blood and guts man, but I can appreciate a good psychological horror film. While I like to see a monster / ghost / creature on screen, I can also enjoy the films where you never directly see what is causing the trouble. That being said, the entity in this film does little more than stomp around and shut doors. This film needed a sense of dread. It needed to build up anticipation and nervousness in the audience. Those scenes at night where the couple are in the bed, and everything is quiet…the crowd should be starting to cower down in fear of what is about to come. Instead the monotony of how this film plays out completely ruins it. You learn early on that things will be quiet, then there will be a sound. The guy will get up, the girl will yell, the guy will grab the camera and run around a little, and that is it. There is no big payoff, there is no big money scare for your waiting.

A messy bed, a girl on the floor in ruin...this was almost a good movie had it just went straight to Pornhub

By the time the film is almost over you are eating a big Sandwich of Disappointment. Well folks, lift up that bread because the ending is going to toss on another slice. Oh yeah…

SPOILERS!!!

After watching his girlfriend go more and more insane, the guy finally decides it is time to leave and stay at a hotel (it only took 20-some nights). The girl then proclaims she wants to stay there. The following night she gets up, stares at the guy forever, walks downstairs and starts screaming. The guy rushes down and things get quiet. You are then treated to an almost comical shot of the guy flying back into the bedroom and into the camera, and his now apparently possessed girlfriend crawling over to the camera and smiling.

The End.

THE END!? Wow. While this did not bring forth “No Country for Old Men” levels of hatred when it comes to an ending, I thought this was just the completely wrong note. I’m all for endings that aren’t rainbows and sunshine, but this just felt out of place. Not to mention the fact that you knew the two characters were going to die from the very beginning, as the opening has text saying that “Paramount thanks the families” of the two characters. Thanks Paramount.

Then again, this is a shaky-cam movie. EVERYBODY dies at the end of those.

End Spoilers, Begin Closing

This film is nothing more than a joke. What could have been a decent concept was ruined by predictability, unlikeable characters, and a pretty weak presentation. If you want to see this movie and enjoy it, try to cleanse yourself of all common sense. I hear about 100 different bumps and creaks a day, and I don’t pick up a video-camera and immediately run toward them. That kinda stuff.

Is this movie scary? I don’t think so. If you do, and you’re not a child or at least a female aged 16-25…stop being such a tittybaby. You really should be ashamed.

This film is like a drunken mailman with diarrhea. It doesn’t deliver, and what it does attempt to deliver is covered in shit.