*A special note, you should be playing some kind of Halloween soundtrack in the background of this review, and I prefer that you turn the lights in your room on and off continuously…just for atmosphere.

MWAHAHA! Welcome to an ultra-evil Halloween videogame update! I am your spooky host this evening…I am…okay I’m just Mark. Look, I couldn’t come up with a good Halloween related name for myself using “Mark.” I know those Simpson’s writers do it all the time, but I am not nearly as creative, nor am I making millions of dollars for my troubles…in fact the only pay I get is the smiles on your faces, and a small fruit basket from OMGJeremy.

Halloween is upon us (unless Jeremy just completely ignores my wishes and posts this way before Halloween), and I decided to go against my better judgment, and dip down into my sarcophagus of games and find a few scary little selections for you all. After all, it’s just not Halloween without bad video games based on bad horror movies. It’s like Christmas without fish.

You will notice all of these games are from the Atari, not only the BEST SOURCE for pornographic games, but as you will learn it also has Grade-A horror games as well. Atari was surely on top of it’s game in the mid 80’s. Even if they never once made a game worth playing in that period of time. It’s what made Atari so fucking cool.

Title screens don't get much scarier

First up we have the spooooooookily (notice all the o’s, that means it is scary!) frightful Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’m sure most of you are aware of the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s pretty common knowledge at this point; Teens go out on trip into the country, teens get cut up, etc. Based on what I believe to be the first film, you control Leatherface as your main character as you send him off on his many repetitive killing sprees throughout the forest, which basically consists of one screen and a couple shades of green.

RUN AWAY YOU FOOL! OH GOD!

Throughout the game, you scroll (and I mean scroll in every since of the word) to the left of the screen, dodging EVIL tumbleweed, HORRIFYING fence posts, and SATANIC wheelchairs of DOOM. And while none of those obstacles are any more frightening than the one color that they’re made up of, they can still keep you from acheiving your ultimate goal. And just what is that goal? To murder as many pallet-swapped women as you possibly can of course. And boy does it pay off to put an end to them, as once you have succesfully inserted your chainsaw into their pixel representing their body, you are treated to a bloodbath of epic proportions. Once you see this, I’m sure you’ll cringe and let out a blood-curdling cry as you see the ravaged mass of flesh you have created from what used to be a sensible and sweet woman. But try not to have too many flashbacks of your violent childhood, because the fun is just beginning!

Pure terror on every screen! All one of them!

Well, no, not really. Actually that’s about all you do, until you either run into too many things, or run out of gas for your chainsaw, because we all know of course that Leatherface ain’t shit without his weapon of choice. I often wondered why the game ended when you ran out of gas. I mean does Leatherface run like a bitch when his chainsaw goes dead? Do those women he had been chasing all of a sudden rush him and plunge letter-openers into him? I don’t know, I just don’t. It’s best not to think of it, as doing so will result in MADNESS! MADNEHAHAahsAHAHAshah!

Are you scared yet kids? Well, come closer and I will tell you another little story. Another tale of fright and horror! You see, TCM wasn’t the only movie-related horror game made by Atari. Of course not, you fool! Atari were the gaming whores of the eighties. So About the same time that TCM was causing bed-wetting and night sweats, so was this little morsel of scary nostalgia:

There is nowhere to run! Except left or right! And sorta up and down!

That’s right, Michael Myers was scaring up a storm on your Atari system as well. In this game you play…a girl, maybe Jamie Lee Curtis, even though I don’t think she had blonde hair or such a hoop-skirt in the film. As the female character, you run from screen to screen, in a house that oddly enough does not have furniture, dodging the advances of the murderous Michael Myers. You have weapons you can pick up, such as a sword (why a house has a sword but not a couch, I do not know), and you can make very very weak attempts at fighting back, but usually Michael catches you, and this is what happens…

Another teen girl finds out why you don't babysit in a horror movie....game

You are treated to your character, dancing around as the stump that used to be your neck gushes more blood than a slumber party of high-school girls on their periods. Other than the sight of seeing your character getting your head chopped off, this game offers almost nothing as far as fun is concerned. I don’t even think there is a way to beat this game, since you just keep walking from room to room, sometimes picking up a few points by keeping Michael at bay with your Prince of Persia sword. Play this game if you are a huge fan of the series, but be warned that you probably will never want to see another Halloween movie again after this waste of a good license. By far the scariest thing about this game is actually realizing you’re wasting your precious life juices playing this shit. Humiliation and screaming fits will soon follow.

Still not scared kids? No? You unsatisfied little fucks. Well, I still have one more tale of terror that will have you sleeping in the bed with your parents tonight, only if you don’t already. This is one you are all probably a bit more familiar with, but read on anyway…if you dare!

MAKING ME PISS

That’s right, Haunted House! What other game lets you control a giant pair of eyeballs? None that I know of that ever wanted a secure financial future at least. In this game you travel through, a haunted house of all things, which appears to be two giant black squares, collecting various keys and other random parts of something I have no idea about. But you are not controlling your usual run of the mill set of eyeballs it seems. As these eyeballs have come prepared with a big ass lantern, your only friend in this game. With the lantern, you can see the hidden items scattered around the board, as well as an assortment of bad guys all ready to put an early end to your totally useless quest.

Nothing can stop the complete darkness. Not even the color red.

This keeps going and going until, well I don’t know. I stopped playing this game rather quickly, but let me assure you it sucks…the same can be said for the other games in this review as well.

Well there you have it, 3 ultra-scary frightfests for you gamers brave enough to walk on the darkside of the Atari (I am sounding lame on purpose, no emails calling me out on it please). I hope you enjoyed this review, I am not responsible for your loss of mental or physical capabilities after playing these games. Happy Halloween! MWAHAHAHA!