So we’ve come upon another Halloween season, left once again to ponder the various ways we can decorate our house and yard in a manner that will hopefully scar small children for decades to come. This is, after all, the only holiday we can legally do this without being reprimanded, so we might as well go out of our way once a year, right? Besides, there is no better feeling of pride than seeing a small child flee from your yard, shrieking for his life. It’s something that stays with you, and can be used to express joys that most other people associate with other events. Some people speak fondly of their marriage, or first child. We, on the other hand, cherish the day we made a seven year-old defecate on himself after the mechanical zombie hand busted through the candy dish at his face.

But as many know, it’s getting harder and harder to scare today’s jaded youth. With their Hot Topics and Inu Yasha stories. It’s like they live a life of horror and self-deprecation every day. So in turn, we have to up the ante a bit, and be a bit more creative these days to truly make these kids go home early with a bit more than candy in their bags. And how do we do that? Simple:

Hollywood Production Values

That’s right. Those old homemade zombies you made out of a couple of pillows and an old Darth Vader mask just isn’t going to cut it now. It’s time to throw out the big guns these days, and there’s no better way than to simply step up to Hollywood level production values right in your very own yard. And thanks to the miracle that is the Internet, it’s now possible. If you’re willing to spend money. LOTS of money.

These decorations we’re about to show you are not for the budget-minded. These are not for people who stuff a blanket with leaves, draw a face on it, and call it supreme decoration. These “decorations” are nothing short of set pieces. Or even the types of things you might see in very, VERY high end Haunted Houses. HOWEVER, what these decorations bring to the table is something that few kids could look at and not feel uneasy. These are the real deal, and as long as you don’t mind spending the bucks for them, I can all but guarantee regurgitated Halloween candy all over your yard the morning after Halloween. And in the end, isn’t that all we want? Money is no matter for THIS kind of joy. Let’s see what we have to offer…

Creeping Mechanical Torso
Price $699.99

Down at the cheaper price range, the creeping mechanical torso can have a significant impact on any porch. As it slowly but surely finds his way across the floor for another serving of tasty, tasty ankles. Now I admit to not knowing very many real life crawling torsos. Except for maybe that one guy that was missing a leg in school and would roll around on the ground when he got mad. This torso is far more alarming and less awkward though. Possibly since he’s missing the bottom half of his body I guess. Also this guy really seems to want to eat you, instead of that other kid, who was just mad at life. Wanting to eat people is easily way cooler than amputee depression any day.

Easy Chair Ghoul
Price: $2999.99

Last time I ever get a fucking chair from Goodwill

For those of you that would rather have Halloween parties than to lay in wait to scare small children, you also have options available to embarrass and make your guests hate you forever afterward. The most potentially fun being this innocent looking chair. Something you could easily pass off as some old chair you’re just using as a prop, only to spring it just as someone goes to sit down. Or possibly WHILE sitting down. I am pretty sure that if I pay three grand for something, then I’m pretty much owed bodily harm in some way out of the deal. And if that means shooting a robot ghoul up a drunk friend’s ass, then so be it.

Granny Bathtub Animated Prop
Price: $2999.99

Lay back down, gramma. Your stories aint on yet.

Honestly, there is nothing on Earth scarier than imagining your Grandmother taking a bath. Now imagine a very dead Grandmother in a bathtub, and you’ve got something that could very literally killaman.

Weighing in at slightly less than a real bathtub, tub Grandma adds far more to the simple act of wanting to jump in and scrub a bit. Simply because, in all reality, it is a very old woman laying in that bathtub. A bloodstained bathtub at that. But that’s not all this granny can do, because unlike your very much alive Grandma, this dead one can actually get out of the bathtub. And it does so in quite the spectacular way. As you can see from the inset picture, you walk in and see this old woman, laying in a tub that she has possibly once again confused with her bed. As you get closer though, a sensor trips, and that bitch springs up and begins screaming and flailing as you piss all over yourself eight times over. This time though, Grandma will not be appeased with hard candy. No, this time she yearns for only the blood of the LIVING. And possibly hard candy along with it.

Animated Demon Knight
Price: $7999.99

NOT FUCKING AROUND

Now THIS. THIS will get some attention. A nine foot tall (HOLY FUCK IT’S NINE FEET TALL), completely animatronic demon that looks to have more than a passing resemblance to a monster from Doom III. This more or less falls into the realm of “awesomeness” far more than fear, but GodDAMN could you think of how cool having that bitch hand out candy would be? I cannot fathom it. My brain simply can’t expand to understand that much awesomeness. And for eight grand, that’s probably a good thing.

I can say though, if I had nine thousand dollars to blow on a mechanical demon, this would be the mechanical demon of choice.

It is also delivered via freight truck.

FREIGHT TRUCK.

Jumpin’ Clown
Price: $1694.99

Someone is gonna piss

There is nothing more creepy than clowns, and I don’t think there’s many people that don’t get unsettled by their colorful ways. You can always feel the unending hatred just underneath the bright, happy makeup. A hatred that wants to fight back, and possibly violently lunge at your face and begin ripping your skin off with oversized plastic utensils. I honestly think clowns know our fears, and prey on them at every given opportunity. Honestly, how can you be that creepy and NOT want to hurt people? Mimes not withstanding.

This mechanical clown prop goes a long way in bringing that fear to life. It sits silently, looking as if he’s about to shit out another balloon animal, only to suddenly JUMP INTO YOUR FACE. It’s only then that you know true fear. Fear that can only materialize when you finally realize, that a clown may in fact actually kill you. It should also be noted that the lawn chair is sitting in is possibly the greatest lawn chair of all time.

Door Splatter
Price: $3299.99

MY BOWELS

Picture the scene…

A small child and his mother out for a pleasant Trick or Treating experience. Walking along with their friends and family, mingling with the crowds all dressed as their favorite Disney Characters and pop stars. A fun time for all involved. Much candy will soon be eaten back at home, while smiles and the warm glow of Halloween specials play on the television. The small child spots a new house to farm for sugar, and the Mother gently waves him off to it, smiling and watching from a distance. The child approaches the door, raises his hand to knock on the doWHAM DEAD BODY ON THE DOOR SLIDING DOWN OH GOD THE SCREAMING HE WONT STOP SCREAMING PANIC PANIC MOTHER RUNNING FOR HER PANICKING CHILD AND THERE’S PISS EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE.

Now, THAT experience is worth $3299.99 if ever there was one.

As cool as all of these are, I don’t think there’s many of us that can even fathom paying more than 100 bucks on a decoration, let alone thousands. And in all honesty, most of you probably don’t have anything more than a dark room or a work desk you’ll be able to decorate, so it doesn’t much matter anyway. Though I do admit if I had the stunning amount of throw away cash that most of America seems to have, then I’d be all over any of these fine creations. Even if I’d probably end up being visited by authorities eventually.

But this is just the beginning though, as there are tons more to be bought for unheard of amounts of money. You can browse these, as well as tons more at Halloween Mart. And if this country has taught us anything, it’s to spend as much money as possible to get into the spirit of things.

As for the rest of us, we’ve got a few pillow zombies to make.