I love Spiderman, you love Spiderman, hell, even that little deprived Christian boy down the street who’s not allowed to watch any channels other than PBS loves Spiderman. He’s a universal hero that’s as respected and loved more than I will be by anyone. In a way, that’s kinda sad, but I also have to remember that I don’t wear a kick ass spider outfit and stop crime in my spare time. And I’m sure if I ever tried, nobody would love me, so why not just turn all that loneliness into love towards a comic book hero? That’s what I do, and it shows with as much spiderman shit that I’ve collected through the years. But recently I’ve started noticing something amiss: One of my favorite comic book heroes must be pretty hard up for new and exciting ideas. At least that’s the idea I got after going to the toy store and seeing this shit:

Yeah, I wasted $25 on this stupid article... so you better fucking laugh.

Wow. Those figures you see right there are the Spiderman Action Hero line, and they were out way before the movie. I guess. somebody somewhere decided the world needs more amazingly inappropriate Spiderman action figures… I’m talking figures like “Spiderman in a baseball uniform” or “Spiderman in a space suit”. And while I do realize there’s only so many ways you can make a Spiderman action figure, I really, really can’t understand the reasoning behind a goddamn soccer Spiderman. I can’t thnk back to any time in my childhood when I thought “Damn, I know Spiderman has super powers and shit, but I really wish that he wore an old diving suit with a giant brass sphere!” However, much to my chagrin (that’s my phrase of the week) some company decided they DID need such a figure, and so a collection of the stupidest action figures ever were unleashed onto the public at large. But, who honestly would buy such figures? Oh yeah… me.

Those are the two figures I decided to pick up, the Soccer Spiderman and the Firefighter Spiderman. As far as figures go, they’re far from the worst quality figures I’ve ever seen. I will give Toy-Biz credit for that… although they made possibly the lamest Spiderman action figures since the Aunt May figure, their figures (once you remove those silly outfits) are fairly nice quality 12″ figures. However, I’d rather talk about the figures themselves. I took them out of the package (hearing toy collectors collectively cry out in anguish), and I decided to take a few better photos, just in case the previous pictures weren’t clean enough and did not allow all the suck to be pushed through your eye sockets..

With authentic placemat background!

Ok, even though I don’t really like this figure all that much, at least I can respect it. I mean, firefighters are truly heroes, at least a hell of a lot more of one than I. Firemen get paid to risk their lives to save those of us who can’t do it ourselves, and therefore deserve respect. That said, does Spiderman really need to wear this suit? Have you ever worn or even held a firefighter’s suit? It’s heavy. And not very mobile either… I’m sure that this suit would impede Spidey’s abilities to swing from web to web across the city.

But, I must also give Spiderman credit on this outfit… I bet MJ loves it. I mean, even Spiderman has to be a bit predictable and boring every now and then, but if he broke in the doorway wearing the fireman’s suit and “saved” MJ to her bed… I bet more than just his Spider Sense would be tingling that night. It’s a fact… chicks dig firefighters, and a firefighter that can hang from the ceiling for amazing sexual exploits? I think even I would say “yes” to some of that action.

Oh Spiderman... I hear your cries.

Ok, this suit is the worst I could find. I mean, he’s a soccer (or football for everyone else) player Spiderman figure. Why?! When would Spiderman have to play soccer in his Spiderman outfit? I mean, unless there’s a Marvel Sports League, I don’t think he’d ever have a need for this outfit. But a real spiderman situation? I dunno….

Announcer: ¡El bloque izquierdo al bloque correcto, Pedro lo tiene en el campo abierto!
Spiderman: It’s time for THIS team to get a Spider spanking!
Announcer: AH MI es DIOS que JODE ES SPIDERMAN! GOOOOAAAALLLLLLL

I imagine this outfit might be necessary if Spiderman was facing Cobra Commander, and the newest Cobra plan was to have a soccer invitational where the ball was filled with nitroglycerine, but since even the slowest of henchmen in the Marvel Universe would agree that this “Soccer Match of Doom” is at best a hilarious failure, I doubt that the webslinger will ever wear this one.

But look at the figure underneath the clothes! He’s got little shoes and socks, and then nothing until his midsection (where he has a female bathing suit on) and gloves and mask. That’s it. I mean, this is the equivalent of fighting crime in a pair of boxers and a Ronald Reagan mask. At least with the firefighter doll, the actual figure under the clothes is a fairly poseable, nice looking Spiderman figure. But this figure, well…it’s just not working. The legs alone frighten me into submission by themselves.

So this leads to the only figures I did make, and I must say even though I tried to make them stupid, they are far superior to the ones you can actually buy. So let’s take a look at my only entry – the Spiderman Power of the Force line.

I don't have a Death Star playset, but I do have a water heater... it's close.

I actually was fairly impressed with how these turned out. But I am disappointed that I couldn’t make these awful figures even gayer then theirs. But then I had a brilliant idea, one that was in no way childish or offensive!

NO, SPIDEY, NO!!!

Mission complete… but just barely.