Very rarely do I make a DVD purchase just based on the front cover. In fact, I have only put my faith in a film based on the cover-art twice, the first time being for High School GhostHustlers. Of course a bunch of half-dressed Japanese schoolgirls with a Ghostbusters gimmick on a cover can’t make for a bad picture. The second time…well that is what this article is about. While looking through the over-priced goods at a local Best Buy, I happened upon a DVD that grabbed me. The cover wasn’t all that fancy, nor did it advertise any stars that I recognized…but it did have one thing going for it…it had the word “Goddamn” in the title. I am a sucker for the word Goddamn. I yell loudly whenever I hear it on wrestling, I mark out for it when a random celebrity uses it out of the blue…I even cheer when hearing it in real life. I don’t know shit about the stock market, but if a company called “Goddamn Industries” went public I’d buy a shitload of shares. If someone called me a son of a bitch I’d be angry, but if they called me a GODDAMN son of a bitch I would probably just laugh…but don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no goddamn son of a bitch. There is something about the word Goddamn. Perhaps it is because it is said to be such a horrible thing, it is so wrong…it is forbidden. A lot of people say fuck is the worst word, but I think a good deal of people consider Goddamn to be the king of curses. It makes you feel good, but dirty…kind of like anal, I speak for the dishing out aspect of it, you’ll have to ask Trev if taking it gives you the same feeling. This film is full of the word often-times referred to as “GD” by parents who refuse to curse. Yes, today I am writing about what is billed as “The Amazing Redneck Torture Tape”, I am writing about the wonder that is “Uncle Goddamn”.

So here’s the basics. In the late 80’s some random redneck from the hills of Shelby, NC decided it wise to film the antics of his quite drunken relatives. What follows is 45 minutes of material that will completely erase any pride and hope you had in the human race. I will try my best to explain what takes place in this film…however even I can’t put into words the lows that are reached in this movie. Dignity is tossed to the wayside, and intelligence takes a holiday in this most bizarre of works.

Living not 2 hours from these people, I must say that in my time I have encountered people just like these folks. If only I had a video-camera at my Uncle Sonny’s that one night when they were playing poker and Sonny’s then girlfriend yelled out “SHIT THE BED FRED! Hassel’s got the 3rd Ace!” There was also the time that my Uncles attempted to steal cable, complete with a man standing on a stepladder on the back of a truck trying to run wire from house to house. Then of course I can’t forget the occasion that my Uncle accused his friend of pushing him down a set of steps out of spite while they were trying to carry a piece of furniture. Childhood memories I wish I could forget aside, this DVD has some characters on it. These are people that are not easily forgotten, allow me to introduce you to the two main players.

Uncle Robert aka Uncle Goddamn

Every family has an Uncle Robert that everyone denies knowing

The man that inspired the filming. From what I gather, this man does nothing but drink at all hours. He’s that relative that a good portion of us, especially those of us in the South have. The person who gave up any thoughts of fortune for heavy drinking. He’s the one, that when he bumps into you at the grocery store, you spend the whole conversation looking over your shoulder to make sure nobody you know sees you interacting with him. He is the one that you do not invite to weddings, and the one you do not dare speak of at holiday celebrations. Your father puts away the valuables when he is coming to visit, and your mother doesn’t bother to wash the sheets if he is going to stay the night. He generally brings a family name nothing but shame. However he appears to be the center-piece of this family, at least when it comes to entertainment. You see to the rest of his family, this man is a constant source of laughs. Not because he’s a witty jokester, but because he is so damned drunk that the door is open for his more sadistic relatives to do whatever the hell they want to him. For example, you may notice the silver-ish tint to his skin in the above picture. It is not due to inbreeding, nor whatever weird poison that one guy that is always on the front of MSN.com picked up…yet it is due to this:

A fine coat

Apparently it has become a popular past-time to spray paint silver over Robert’s face when he passes out from his constant-drunk. I watched in shock the first time, at the fact that his entire face was covered easily without any reaction whatsoever. He lays completely still as he is turned into a real-life Tin-Man…a really really sad Tin-Man. When he did awake, he had little to no reaction to the act. He stumbled around a bit, and eventually muttered “There ain’t no goddamn sense in this.” That appears to be the norm though, as with all of the bits of torture Robert is subjected to, he rarely flies off the handle. In fact, the only time he decides to rise up against the hate is when a family member comments on those “Sucking Dick Washington Redskins”. What occurs after those harsh words is a few awkward swings and Ric Flair-like “Whoos”, then Robert makes a charge and is sidestepped, causing Robert to run into a couch. Robert of course lets out with the response that got him his name, “Goddamn”.

As if taunting a man’s favorite NFL team isn’t cruel enough, Robert endures much more in this film. It seems the most popular hobby involves setting dear Robert on fire. Before you complain about that being cruel…keep in mind that Robert is a drunk, thus he is not deserving of any pity. Robert is set ablaze many times, on most occasions he is so drunk that it takes a good minute for it to register that his crotch is engulfed in flames. Of course the horror of this was amplified when the company I was watching it with pulled out a lighter and explained that it was painless if the person had on the right materials. Luckily injury and death was avoided and the viewing of this movie continued. But there is more in store for Robert on this disc of shame. For example, on one occasion Robert is yet again spray-painted silver, and his head is wrapped in tape. Not that weak-ass Dollar Tree clear tape that barely sticks, but the heavy packaging shit. The tape that fuckers on eBay wrap their shit in so it takes you an hour to open a package.

Nothing good comes from this

The near-killing of Robert takes up a good bit of the DVD, but of course it would be tiring if the whole DVD just consisted of him.. Luckily for the viewer, Robert is not the only person being thoroughly tortured and stripped of his humanity. And much to the viewers dismay, the next man I am about to talk about gets much more stripped from him than his humanity.

Pappy

Pappy has seen better days

A bit older, but none the wiser, I found Pappy to be the bread and butter of the film. While Robert appears to be a rather silent drunk who doesn’t really move about much…Pappy is a vocal and quite spry drunkard. Robert’s calmness while being tortured is contrasted by Pappy’s death-threats via knife point to his enemies. Sadly Pappy decides to not wear a shirt that often, and it is apparently a rare occasion in the Elmore household if Pappy has on pants as well. Pappy has several classic moments on this film, but one stands out. You see Pappy is involved in perhaps the funniest 6 minutes of television EVER.

Come to Shelby

YEAH

The incident is known as “Come to Shelby: The Challenge and The Response”. I’ll give a brief background. Apparently Pappy once had a wife that ran off with a Jewish man. Seeing how the man was Jewish, Pappy found it apparently obvious that the man should be called Rabbi. It is rumored that the mere mention of the word Rabbi is enough to send Pappy off in a shit-fit. Then there is the term “Come to Shelby”. As far as the term “Come to Shelby” goes, apparently the quote was meant as a threat that Pappy dished out to two young men, to come to Shelby, NC so he could kick their asses. On one night, probably fueled by alcohol and the desire to perhaps cause an old man a heart-attack, these two hooligans recorded a message of their own for Pappy.

The man on the left, known as Tripp Flair, calls Pappy out in this segment. The two men above spend about 3 minutes verbally doing anything they can to cause the old man grief. From the repeated use of the word “Rabbi”, to the flexing of muscles that are not there to be had, these men leave Pappy with an interesting bit of footage to watch. And in “Come to Shelby: The Response”, watch it he does. Pappy immediately begins to curse and threaten his television set, as if the two men inside the picture box can hear him. All on video, Pappy gets out of his chair, walks over to the television, and removes his pants. After spreading his ass wide to reveal the hole he wishes for them to apply their lips to, he then turns around and shows them the business end, and while waggling his penis in front of the screen, he insists that the two young men in the video “EAT THIS DICK!”

Pappy bares all in this touching scene

Pappy goes on to curse for the next 2 or 3 minutes, mercifully with his pants back on. Pappy also makes the mistake of attending a wrestling event. Apparently Pappy is the only person left on the planet that doesn’t know the real story about Pro-Wrestling, seeing how he attempts to rush the ring several times, and gives advice to his favorite wrestler when he is tossed outside the ring. Perhaps the best moment comes when the match is over, and Pappy’s man is jumped from behind. Immediately Pappy removes his shirt and storms to the ring, perhaps with the intentions of pounding the bad guys with his flopping old man breasts. He is held back however, and luckily for once in the film, a segment with Pappy goes by without his penis being pulled out and flopped around.

Other Classic Moments

While I simply can not cover every segment from the DVD, I must say there are a few more that stick out in my mind. Of course you have your standard trailer park lover’s quarrel, in which a drunken man shoves his girlfriend and is carried out of the house by his brother in a fireman’s carry. At one point in time black-pepper is shot up a man’s nose as he sleeps, and when he awakens apparently the black pepper has somehow caused his “asshole and dick” to burn. There is also the time Uncle Robert takes a sip from a most unforgiving drink.

Nothing more needs to be said

There are many other oddities in this film, and I have to admit that I am glad to have this in my collection. I gladly pull it out when my usual company comes over, however if I ever end up hanging out with fancy people, I’ll probably turn it around backward so the spine isn’t showing. While I do feel only a moderate amount of shame for owning this film, this flick makes me feel better about myself, because though I have had hard-times in my life…I’ve never drank a relatives piss. If you would like to find out more about the Elmore family of Shelby, NC, you can do so at www.unclegoddamn.com.

People can be sad at times. Sometimes people are so unsatisfied with their life that they turn to alcohol. These people can be consumed by alcohol, and their addiction can turn them into the people we see in this film. People who are constantly shamed and hurt by their own family. This is a serious matter, as these people need help…but unfortunately for them, they usually won’t find that help. Good for us though, because drunks are funny to watch. Apparently these folks are still alive, as the DVD features some somewhat recent footage. Of course about 2 seconds into it we get a good shot of Pappy’s whole ass, an ass that has not met water nor soap in an age. I will leave you with one last image. The image, which you can see below…was the last thing I saw on the film, and I think a fitting end to not only the DVD, but this article in general. A young man in a Gene Simmons mask, dry-assfucking Pappy through his horribly stained and ill-fitting white underwear. I can’t say enough about the image of a drunken old man being folded up much like one of your more flexible teenage girls as the young man goes to work on him with all the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas. It is sad, and a bit haunting.

Take it all pappy. Take it all, indeed