So there we were. My cousin and I on our tenth rematch. In the nine matches leading up to this final one, more threats of bodily harm were hurled at each other than I think every other game we ever played combined. The sheer amount of tension was probably visible in the room at the time, taking the form of the layer of sweat and spit covering us.  When the game started, it was like a race for destiny. Jeeps, tanks, helicopters, and artillery were thrown at each other in a desperate attempt to gain bragging rights for the rest of the week. All while Ride of the Valkyries played in the background, further cementing that this was not just a match to be played out, but destiny itself. This was the single most important match of a game that would ever be played.This was Return Fire.

Now look at the picture of the game below, and try not to laugh too much.

Yes, it looked like what a fourth grader would draw in his notebook when he was bored at school. Who cares though. This game redefined the word epic, even when it’s visuals were too busy redefining the word shit. Welcome to Return Fire. A top down military-style game where the sole point is to capture your enemy’s flag, and return it to your base. Simple enough, right? It is, until you realize you have a selection of jeeps, tanks, artillery, and helicopters at your disposal. All of which have their own purpose and uses. All of which that can be used to make your opponent actively seek bodily harm on you if used correctly. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

The Jeep:

The jeep is your light and fast vehicle. It has no guns, and blows up if you push a particularly loud fart through. But the jeep is also the only vehicle that can pick up the flag and move it around. The idea being that you use your heavier stuff to clear out defenses, then get in your jeep to rush in, grab the flag, then run away like a beaten girl. This would be easy and all, except for the fact that your opponent will probably be rolling around in…

The Helicopter:

This fucker is the jeep’s worst nightmare. It flies decently fast, and has the wonderful advantage of being airborne. It’s guns and missiles are enough to make the person driving the jeep let loose a mighty piss from sheer fear. Usually the match would come down to one player desperately chasing the jeep in some maniacal dance of desperation through trees, towns, and just about anywhere you can imagine. Most of the time though, the helicopter would win, which would then lead to the other player selecting…

The Tank:

The tank is just that; a fucking tank. It can shoot down just about anything in it’s path, and has the armor to level a base before it even starts to take damage. The tank is however as slow as a dog turd sliding down pavement, which meant going out with it was usually a suicide run. But damn if you weren’t about to take half the map out before you made the ultimate sacrifice. So the whole idea was to cause as much damage as possible until the other player got so frustrated that it forced him to select…

The Artillery:

Remember how the tank was slow? It’s a damn sprint car compared to this beast. But it more than made up for it in sheer destruction. Not only could it lay waste to everything from a much further distance than the tank, but it could also lay mines, which were the ultimate in griefing your opponent. The tiny little mines could be laid anywhere, thus resulting in entire bases being mined, just waiting for your little jeep to come flying in. It’s mostly used for defense, which means by this time, your opponent was getting in his jeep, ready for another flag run since you were too slow to catch him.

This would lead us back to the top, making an endless loop of gripping the controller, hurling insults, and wondering if you can actually go blind if you fail to blink for an hour straight. Or at least until someone fucks up and wins. I’m telling you, it was the very definition of epic, even if it doesn’t look the part. I’ve also barely mentioned the music, which only made things even better by throwing out classical numbers like The Flight of the Bumblebee whenever someone got in the spastastic jeep. Or the absolute terror one would feel as Holst’s Mars starts up whenever someone got into the tank. It was perfect.

Hell, it was fucking fantastic.

This was motherfucking Return Fire.

(Edit: My cousin and I never spoke much afterward)