This weekend I met another interperson. It’s not the first I’ve met, and it’s not like I’m meeting people via a dating site or even for the purpose of sexual encounters – this guy from Pennsylvania felt like coming out and getting a drink with me and a few other people he knew via the world’s worst internet forum, No Carl No. Originally the plan was to have about 10 people from that forum get together and booze it up in DC for Memorial Day weekend, but as with most internet plans it quickly fell apart as most internet people are either not real or are socially retarded. It ended up where just this one guy was going to come down (let’s call him Mike) and since I’ve inter-known him for a few years so I told him he could stay at my place. Mistake number one.

It’s roughly a 4 hour drive from where he lived to my place, and we were only supposed to go out to drink so I figured he’d be over around 4ish and we’d get dinner or something. Once he got there, he was actually a pretty cool guy – we played some stupid (yet fun) Final Fight-esque game for the XBox to kill an hour or so and then decided to grab some food before we headed out. I only eat Chipotle now apparently, so we went there. Mental note – Mike had a large shredded pork burrito. That’ll be important later. After swallowing my burrito whole in a show of homo-eroticism only matched by Wildboys, Mike and I went back to my house and picked up International Singing Sensation Larry Poon and headed out to DC.

Larry is friends with many of the DC area stand-up acts, and there was a stand-up contest, Comedy Kumite VI, that Larry had won the previous year and he wanted to come out and support his friends – and possibly score some cheap blow. I wasn’t sure if Mike would suck or not before he came over, so I arranged to have a few people meet us at this comedy thing. In standard fashion, all of those people cancelled except for my friend Marty and his girlfriend. Luckily Mike was not insane and or creepy, so I was still cool with hanging out and drinking with so few people. On a side note congratulations to Justin Schlegel who won the contest – he’s funny… check him out.

After the contest ended, we decided to go to some other bar about 6 or 7 blocks up from where we were because beer is cheap there, and it’s dark (those are my two prerequisites for a bar outing). We were supposed to have like 8 other people with us (other comic friends of Larry’s), but due to a few people being under 21 and denied access to the bar, it ended up just being Larry, Mike, and me pounding down pitchers of beer and having a good time. Around 12:30 or so, we decided to head a bit closer to home (because DWIs aren’t fun), and stopped to get some pizza that was $4.50 a slice. At first I was pissed, but I paid it anyway because drunk people like cheap pizza. Then I saw the slice – it was at least a third of a full 16″ pizza, and although it was half-cooked and super greasy, I ate every bite of if and loved it.

Few things in life are better

Just then, Larry gets a call and some chick he’s friends with called him to say she just got to the bar we were just at. Larry doesn’t take no for an answer, so we went back to that bar – which I thought was a great idea because I was just sobering up and I had to drive through the Nation’s capital on Memorial Day weekend – which is basically asking to be pulled over. We got there and Mike seemed fine – he was definately drunk, but not too bad. Here’s where it all got ugly.

Mike had maybe one more beer after we returned to the bar. I don’t even think he finished it. Then his head fell to the table. Now, let me set the scene for you… I’m to the left of Mike, and Larry is facing away from us across this 2 foot wide table, trying to get some girl to polish his knob or something. The place is pretty crowded and Mike finally lifts his head up to say something…

And he vomits.

He projectile vomits all over the table, and right onto Larry’s back. To his credit, Larry was drunk enough that he didn’t notice, but the woman he was talking to did, and freaked out. Mike is still vomiting after like 10 or 15 seconds of contant vomiting, which was awesome. Everyone around us is now focused on Mike vomiting more vomit than I’ve ever seen – and I’m a guy who used to vomit a lot. Difference between me and Mike is that I’d do it in the bathroom and only when I was drinking excessively so the vomit would be all liquid and fairly clean. RECALL – Mike ate a large pork burrito. So this vomit was brown, filled with shredded meat and rice, and extremely pungent – and there had to be at least 4 gallons of it. So now, I do the only thing I can do, and I laugh loudly and Larry and I carry Mike out of the bar as we were asked to leave.

A modern recreation of the event. Sort of.

After we get Mike into my car, he proceeds to vomit out the window a few times, giving my car a well needed vomit striping down the side. Again, expected, and normally not a big deal. However, it’s Memorial Day weekend, and cops are in full-force, and I’m driving through Washington DC at 2:00 am with a guy spewing vomit out the passenger-side window of my car. I’m apparently REALLY trying to get arrested tonight. Larry knows DC much better than I do, so he’s yelling directions from the backseat. After a few minutes, I realize I don’t have a clue where I am, so I turn around to ask Larry if he knows where we are – and Larry is laying down in my backseat with his eyes closed just yelling random directions at me because he is too drunk to know what’s going on. At this point, I’m totally lost in DC with a drunk guy with vomit all over his shirt and another guy spewing vomit onto the streets of DC and the side of my car. I did what any reasonable guy would do, and I jsut stayed on the biggest road I could find which eventually took me out of DC only about 20 miles from where I meant to go.

So we finally got back mo my place at 3:00 or so, and I managed to get Mike onto the couch – forcing him to drink some water and getting him a trashbag to vomit into if he has to. I decided to sleep on this awesome EZchair thing in the same room, just in case Mike did vomit all over the house I’d be able to clean it up before it dried.

Instead, I wake at about 5:00 am to the sound of rain… but it’s not raining. No – Mike is in the fucking corner pissing on a couch cushion. I shit you not ladies and gentlemen… I invite a guy into my house, watch him vomit on my friends, allow him to make my car reek of meaty vomit, and then he takes a piss on my couch cushion and floor. I yelled out “MIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” and his reponse? “Dude, the door was locked so I’m using this one instead.” My bathroom door doesn’t even fucking lock, so I am not amused (after all, this guy is pissing on my floor) so I throw him in the real bathroom, clean up his piss, throw out the cushion because it’s never coming clean again – it’s soaked with URINE, and realize that Mike is now asleep on the bathroom floor. I get him up, make him drink more water in the hopes that he’ll sober up just enough to NOT piss on my floor, and make him get on the couch.

Mike left around noon the next morning, and I never told him how he pissed on my couch. I just didn’t know how to bring it up… but my roommates informed me that I am no longer allowed to have guests over.