We here at OMGJ feel it is our duty to inform all types of people of useless advice that will never help you and will most likely send us straight to hell for the sheer amount of misinformation that we regularly give. This is okay though, as we think that information of any kind, including information that isn’t necessarily true, is still information. Information is a long word and I don’t think I’m going to type it anymore.

So today, we have decided that we will continue this fine tradition of smarts by showing you all how to recognize, and thus burn alive, people on the Internet who have taken it upon themselves to have massive egos in a place that is only suited for massive wasted lives. With that in mind, let’s all secure our thinking helmets to our bulbous heads, and start learning.

THINKING HELMET SECURED. TIME FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKIN SMARTS

People On The Internet Have Egos?

As amazing as it sounds, yes. I know you’re thinking “But…this IS the Internet right? So…WHY?” Which is a very good question, as we are all readily aware that the Internet is nothing more than a giant hole of suck, and that saying that you are important on the Internet is like saying you are King of the Mole People. Still though, people seek this seemingly glorious title.

Now, I can understand when people first get on the Internet thinking that it’s all “cool” and “neat” with all it’s porn and shit, but honestly, the Internet is nothing much to be proud of. Sure people attribute the Internet to the modern information boom, as it gives just about any information you could ever want at the touch of a few keys. In all honesty though, only about 2% of the Internet is useful, while the rest is divided up into segments that will more or less eventually be attributed to the fall of mankind at some point. Let’s take a look at the following diagram, to get a clear understanding of this:

I made this by myself

As you can see, the vast majority of the Internet isn’t exactly all that useful to most people, but yet it’s still treated like some sort of amazing super villain power that holds the world captive under its mighty claws of unheard of amounts of information and evil radioactive tentacles. Perhaps it is, but it’s not. It’s shit. Most people who are on it for very long will learn this fairly quickly, but it seems there’s still a good majority of people who think they can use the importance of the Internet as a way to sort of “bolster” the amazing, glorious, fame-filled life they never had in the real world, and somehow make themselves out to be someone that might be of some sort of importance in a totally fake world that has no bearing at all in the real world. A grand sounding idea, I know. We’re getting ahead of ourselves though. To properly understand this, let’s take a more in-depth look at this phenomenon below:

Why Do Internet People Have Egos?

Very simple:

Fuckass bitches need to feel important too.

And the only way this can happen, is on the Internet, because if they ever tried to do this in real life, they would immediately be broken and torn screaming to the ground by someone who has large scary hands. The Internet however, is free of such threats, thus the fuckass is free to do whatever he wants. This is what we in the know like to call “annoying”. This person goes onto the Internet seeking a world that can supply the attention and friendship that they’ve never had in the real world, probably because they were ugly and awkward. Guess what though? IT’S OKAY ON THE INTERNET. We’re all the same faceless freaks on here. It’s okay you greasy bastard. Welcome to your new home.

That’s not enough for them though, is it? To be accepted and generally not sneered at by a like-mided group of people who can relate to them in some sort of way. No, they need FAME. They need POWER. Because they have eaten too much HAM probably. In any case, they feel the need to have this sort of power, and thus, they turn to the dark side of the force.

Make way for the Internet's newest superstar! BREAK YO'SELF

Then again, this can go the other way too. As we mentioned above, most people on the Internet are largely people who never really had much of a “real life”. And by real life, I’m speaking of the world that we live in. The one with people and cars and kittens and such. That would be the real world, but amazingly enough, most people confuse the real world with the Internet world, and think that if they’re important and popular in the real world, that this will automatically translate into the Internet world s well. Just like the other type of Internet fool, this person is destined for failure. Then again, he always has his real world to back out to, while the other has nothing but a dark empty room with no one

But what happens when some sort of moons align and the Earth’s gravitational pull summons the great Gods of Shit, thus granting these people some sort of attention that they want? Or even worse, other people totally latch onto them as if they are their new heroes or something? I think you know, grasshopper:

Ego

Yes, welcome to MassiveEgo Town. Like some sort of horrid disease, Internet ego doesn’t take much at all to start, but once it does, it spreads throughout it’s victim like some sort of cancer that completely inhibits the victim from thinking with any sort of rational thought at all. Things only get uglier from here on out, my friend. As this could branch out to things like large personal vanity sites, webcams, or even worse, nudity.

You’re Kidding, Right?

No, no. I only wish I were. It’s very real. Just go to just about anywhere on the Internet, meet anyone, and you’ll see that I speak the truth.

The ego infested fools, once infected, will begin to mindlessly think that their newfound popularity will carry over to EVERYONE on the Internet. Because by god, if one person loves me, then just imagine what EVERYONE ON EARTH is missing out on?! The sudden influx of needing this attention drives the mindless fools onward and onward into madness. “A website? YES! That’s a great idea! I will use it to spread more of me around to people who don’t know and care nothing about me!” “Oh dear, I may need a webcam, just in case someone may want to watch me, because who WOULDN’T?” “I SHOULD PROBABLY GET ON EVERY POSSIBLE FORUM AND ACT LIKE A GIANT STUPID FUCK JUST FOR ATTENTION YES YES THEY WILL LOVE ME THEN HEHEHEHE”

You can't take this away from me!. I NEED this! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LOOK AT ME

It’s not pretty. Most people simply would not make it very far before they are buried underneath their own impossible expectations. Others though, others do continue to build up some sort of following by finding people who cling to anything. There are people like that, you know. The clingers. They need something to cling to. Something to make them feel important, as they are usually the ones who failed miserably with their own ego push. So clinging to the stronger of the retards will eventually get them the attention they need. Besides, they need to be a part of something…ANYTHING.

Unfortunately, this only goes to continue to build the ego monster. It gives them the false belief that they ARE something important. By this time, we’ve almost got a full-blown Internet ego monster. This then spreads out over the various parts of the Internet, usually staying in one sort of category, endlessly whoring themselves out, while constantly denying they are doing so.

So What Types of These Fags Should I look Out For?

A variety, unfortunately. There’s no corner of the Internet that’s safe from the Internet ego. There’s always going to be someone there, demanding that you are below them and need to be excised from the Earth because of your inability to be as awesome as they are. We can however, show you a few types so that you can better differentiate these wondrous creatures:

The I’m Not A Whore But Here’s A Picture Of My Vag Type
Found in: Free personals sites, Every Internet forum ever

Go to any personals site ever, or any sort of site that allows people to post their picture in a profile of sorts, and there they are. All you see is a big picture of their tits or their ass with a thong riding up their crack like some sort of tortured string that can barely cling to whatever is there. Now, look over at their profile. It usually says something like “Hi I’m totally into just being myself. I’m not a whore and I don’t need anyone telling me otherwise. I know what I am and I can’t be judged by anyone. Please don’t message me for sex or pictures cuz I won’t give them to you. Maybe. Click below for my webcam!”

No way, I'm totally innocent! heehee!

You know, it may just be me, but if you’re not a whore, then why post pics of your tits and ass on a site for anyone to see? There’s that whole attention factor working here as well. Drawing on the thinking of that this is the only thing I have that can generate attention, this is all I need. This type of thinking eventually leads to an almost double-minded personality, where the girl has lead herself to believe that posting her ass and tits, even for money, is perfectly acceptable, because she believes this to just be normal, and not slutty at alll. She’s no whore, after all. Right?

Wrong. They are an ego-driven attention whore. It’s that simple. Avoid at all costs…unless they’re hot and you can get nudes.

The Powerhungry Freak of Nature Type
Found in: Just about any forum that has moderators, or generally any Internet related job that holds power over other people.

You know those people that seem to not be able to function unless they have some sort of power or control over other people? The people who seem to thrive over the ability to hold those powers above all the others? Yes, I know I just described just about ever assistant manager ever, but this is the Internet. Things take on a much more irritating role for these people, as they usually have powers that can be used at any point in time. Like on Internet forums and the such, where there are people needed to moderate the large amounts of people, or chat rooms. For the most part, moderators can be fair people that are there for their job, and that’s to keep things in line, and not go all out anarchy. But then there are others…the few moderators who get off on their power. Even if that power is incredibly menial and limited to a very small number of people. It’s still POWAH.

Make way for your Internet LEADER

They extract this power on you when they feel you’ve gone out of line with their own thoughts. Usually when you decide to piss them off or hurt their feelings. Have a different opinion from theirs? You’re going down, son, and they’ve got the tools to make your life as miserable as possible until you either see the light, or leave. You’re best bet is to just leave, because there’s no stopping their reign of tyrannical rule. And unlike the real world, using fire and large numbers to remove a powerhungry ruler usually doesn’t work. Hopefully this will be rectified in future sequels of the Internet.

The I Own A Website On The Internet Ego Type
Found in: Just about any webmaster ever.

So you’ve got a sit on the Internet. You feel that because you have invested a large amount of time in making something that serves no purpose than to be a giant self-stroke to yourself that you somehow now hold power over people who do not have such a thing. I have some unfortunate news for you. No one really cares. Except you. Imagine that.

The sad result of imagined webmaster fame

The problem with webmasters I think, is that they feel that just because they do something halfway productive on the Internet, then they immediately expect fans to come flocking by the hundreds. Even when they do get a bit of attention about their site, they think it’s big time, thus it’s perfectly fine to go into the whole “I’m so great I can treat you fans like SHIT now”. It’s not uncommon to see these people only interested in talking unless if it’s about them, and their entire world revolves around the amazing castle of power they’ve built in their little noggin’. By this time, they’ve gone so far as to believe that they *are* a genuine Internet success, and go around flaunting as such, saying that they partied with such and such from some other important site (I will now go on record that saying you partied with anyone from an Internet site is the saddest thing EVER). All the while the rest of us look at them like the brainwashed zombie they are. I guess if you can make yourself THINK you’re an amazing success to the point of being completely happy with yourself, then more power to you. I’ll be content laughing at you.

Besides, who the hell can really get excited over being a webmaster anyway?

The Depressy Goth Suicide Type
Found in: AIM chat rooms everywhere.

You can always pick them out so easily. The poor, unfortunate, depressed soul that does nothing more than endlessly go on about their freaky emotional brain problems, how many times they’ve cut themselves today, what shitty band they’ve carved into their arm, and generally just how completely miserable they are. This life has given them the short end of the straw, and they have come onto the Internet seeking people who can perhaps help them through these hard times. OH WAIT NO THEY DON’T. How foolish of me. All they want is pity.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU DON'T KNOW MY PAIN. *cutcut*

That’s right. They don’t want to get better. PFT! How absurd. They just want you to sit and say “AW HOW AWFUL” as they belt out for the 46′th time that day how they failed to kill themselves last night from trying to overdose on Nyquil. If you DO attempt to help them, then they’ll suddenly become defensive with their “OMG U DON’T KNOW MY PAIN” bullshit, and then run off, as it’s clear you cannot supply them with their sweet, sweet pity. Your best bet is to simply not show any interest in such a person, and they’ll usually move on to the next person they can cling to while crying about their anguish that only they, and every other faggy goth on the Internet, can know.

But In Reality, Aren’t All Of These Incredibly Insecure People That I could Break Easily?

Yes, most likely, but therein lies that problem of this whole Internet thing. You can’t do anything to them. You generally have to just walk away, and save your sanity. These people are all so consumed with arrogance, self-pity, constant powerfucking, that all you are to them is just another annoyance on their road to Internet superstardom. Or at least some sort of attention outside of being shunned largely by a cold and unforgiving world. In a way, it’s a monster that we’ve created, and only now realize we should have finished the job back in the High School cafeteria when we had the chance.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with having some sort of ego. It goes a long way in empowering you, and making you feel better about yourself. It’s only when you take this to extremes, as most people do, that the whole idea simply goes downhill. Keeping an ego from taking over seems to be the thing people have the most trouble with. It’s unfortunate, and you start to see the results of someone driven by ego relatively quick, only to watch them sink further and further into depression and desperation because they eventually find out that any sort of attention they get ends up being nothing but completely empty. Just like they are. Such tragedy! Please pass me a tissue so I can ball it up and throw it at their faces.

So How Can I Avoid Becoming An Internet Ego Whore?

Are you now? Fit into any of those categories above? If you think so, then you’re probably on your way to being one already. If not, then understand that the Internet is no place to have an ego. This is a virtual world made up of virtual shit. It doesn’t need bragging rights. If you need some sort of ego, then I suggest you take it off the damn computer. Do something in the real world. At least it would matter some there.

That way I can at least kick the living fuck out of you when you do.