Welcome to the flea market. Never before have you had the option to buy so much of everyone else's junk in one place.

I’ve long been a fan of the flea market scene. Much like the whole yard sale scene, the flea market is one of the last great bastions of open market business left in these United of States. A throwback to the days long gone, when large groups of dirty people gathered together in a giant gravel lot, or under one horrifically shambled roof, to sell goods bootlegged from Korea. It is this kind of entrepreneurship that makes the flea market experience one not to be missed, and today, I’d like to share that experience with you.

Welcome to the flea market. Never before have you had the option to buy so much of everyone else’s junk in one place.

The word flea market has some sort of meaning to it, but as far as I can tell, I can’t remember what it was. I do however remembering that for about twelve straight years I was severely disappointed every time I went to one and was not able to purchase fleas. Though unbeknownst to me, I probably received several free fleas from the other flea market patrons. But the idea behind a flea market is simple in it’s pure genius:

• Get a ton of hobos together

• Let them sell things that no one would ever buy

• You come and buy them

And thus a modern institution is created. It’s so simple in it’s inception, and so amazingly flawed one can’t help but question its legality, but yet flea markets thrive all across America. I would also say the World, but in other parts of the world, they have foregone the cute name and simply call it the black market. You also stand a lot higher chance of actually being shot by the Chinese mafia or getting kicked in the face and dying in those, where as in flea markets you will generally only run the risk of being hit on by a drunk man trying to sell you an old moonshine jug he defecated in for ten years for seventy dollars.

The flea market experience is something not quite as simple, though. Because of the variety of every flea market, no two are ever the same. This is where the general adventure comes in, since you never really know what you’re going to get in your particular flea market. Today though, I hope to at least help you to have a more pleasant shopping experience than you would if you simply went into such a place without thorough knowledge of what you’re in for beforehand. So read on, and steel yourself for the amazing American consumer abortion known as the flea market.

Finding A Flea Market Right For You

Like most shopping experiences, there is a large variety of flea markets available that may or may not suit your particular tastes as a consumer. What one flea market buyer may consider as a fine establishment because they can buy camouflage Dale Earnhardt caps for 4 dollars a piece, the other flea market buyer may consider it complete trash because it does not sell cups of beer at the concession stand. There are many factors that you should consider when asking yourself what sort of flea market you would like to shop at, such as:

• Do I care about general cleanliness of my surroundings?

• Do I care about the general cleanliness of my fellow flea market patrons?

• Do I mind buying products that may be of questionable origins?

• Do I mind being around people that seem to live in the sewage system?

• Do I have any qualms with actually buying something that may bring into question my mental state?

If you answered yes to any of those, then I’m afraid the large amount of flea markets will simply not be for your tastes. Flea markets, by and large, are generally not the most high society of places. Most flea markets are generally the last ditch place for locals to earn some money for their “liquorin’ up” later that night. The questions you may however want to ask would be:

• Are liquor and cigarettes available at the food stand?

• Is the closest no smoking area in the next county over?

• Am I allowed to not wear a shirt and shoes and still enter?

• Do I consider “hollerin’ to be the highest quality social interaction that I will be around while at the flea market? Or do I simply prefer “spittin’ n’ whistlin’” as my preferred social interaction?

Does this building look like a fine establishment to do business in? If you answered no, then flea markets may not be for you

Once you have the characteristics of the flea market down, your next priority is to visit your local flea markets to see which one suits your tastes. If you can’t find your local flea market, one would suggest looking in your newspaper’s local ads section. Flea market ads can generally be identified as the ones with large, bold misspelled letters exclaiming things like: “LOCAL CUSTOM MADE QUUALITY GOODS AND LIVE HOGS”. There should be several, all you need to do is find the address, and attempt to find large, rundown, possibly condemned buildings with people congregating around them and bam, welcome to your first flea market. Now, let’s see what your flea market has to offer.

A Selection From the Heavens

The selections you’ll be finding in your flea market will be as varied as the people you’ll see spitting on the floor. Each flea market will be laid out in interconnected booths that people rent out to sell their goods to you. Some booths may be small with only a few trinkets to offer, others large and filled with stolen goods. It’s all very random, as well as the things you’ll be finding in them.

BEHOLD, flea market crafts at their finest

Basically, at its heart, a flea market is where people go to sell complete junk. Junk that you’d be embarrassed to even look at in a store. Junk that most of the time resembles things that have been in far too many failed yard sales, and this is their last hope. There’s really no easy way around it. Simply put: The majority of what you will find in a flea market will be pure junk. But that in itself is the attraction of such a place. One of those “One man’s junk is another’s treasure” or something. Except there is no treasure here. At the most, you will experience overwhelming curiosity at what you’ll find.

Aside from the various bootlegged staples of all flea markets, like finding your favorite Spaderman or Georangers toys and cheap weaponry, you’ll mostly come across a lot of craft tables, or whatever you want to call them. These are tables that people use to sell their various crafts, but the sad fact of the matter is, unlike many neat and attractive crafts, most of these crafts fall into the “I learned this in one day” type of craft. Most completely useless and unattractive. Like the ever popular painted rocks, and the even more popular “Half a semester of beginner art class in junior high” booth art gallery. There is a reason why these crafts are in a flea market. Remember that.

Besides that, you’ll have your amazingly overpriced hobby booths. These usually contain things like old collectible toys that look to have been eaten by a dog and regurgitated years ago, but are now on sale here for prices that usually make mint condition prices look cheap in comparison. The reason for this? The majority of the people who own these booths think you are retarded, and with good reason. It’s a flea market. But the general majority of everything you look at will be far, far more expensive than what you may ever imagine paying for something, which leads us to our next section:

Why the Hell Is This Shit So Expensive?

Who knows. Like any flea market, it just depends on who you deal with. Everyone is different in their prices, but one thing with all flea markets is that a vast majority of booth owners feel their shit is pure gold, and if you’re dumb enough to buy it, then by God they’ll sell you a dozen of them. An example; My friend and I had heard rumors that the de facto generic toy stand had come under the possession of some rare Transformer figures, and this piqued my curiosity. Especially since the last time I was there, the stand in question had nothing more than a pile of naked He Man figures and about a hundred packaged Xena figures that looked suspiciously as if some other store simply realized the horrible fault of actually trying to sell Xena action figures, and dumped them out back where our surly toy shop owner scooped them up, now selling them for the lovely price of six dollars each at his shop. I was fully prepared to call out the owner if the aforementioned Transformer figures were not there, only to be directed to a wall full of Lucy Lawless plastic figures.

It just doesn't get much cooler, no matter where you find it

Imagine my surprise when that wasn’t what happened at all, and instead this guy actually HAD several Transformers sitting inside the dirtiest glass case you could possibly ever imagine. Admittedly, they were all in pretty damn shitty condition, including a Soundwave figure that looked to have been dragged behind a car for the last 20 years. Ronnie, however, said he would actually buy Soundwave since, you know, it’s Soundwave, and it could possibly be cleaned up if enough sandblasting were applied. Of course Ronnie was fully expecting this to be offered at a price that was fairly reasonable, like maybe 10 bucks. He wasn’t wanting it as a collector, he just wanted it simply because it’s motherfucking Soundwave, and Soundwave has more cool in his spring loaded missile launcher than most toy lines will ever hope to achieve.

Of course no price was on the toy, so we summon the shop owner, a large man wearing a NWO Wolfpack shirt that looked to have seen far better days. The owner looks puzzled at the inquiry, and says he will consult his collector book for a price. This was the first sign of what was to come, as this guy was consulting a book intended for figures in absolute perfect condition, already quoting outrageous collector prices, whereas this figure was obviously nowhere near being anything a collector wouldn’t bust a lung laughing at if you had asked them to purchase it. The owner struggles to waddle back over and starts rubbing his chin, slowly figuring to himself just how much he could take us purty city boys for.

“Well…ummm…let’s see. The book says this is going for $125 in mint condition, and since it’s missing any accessories and has a few scratches on it, I’ll sell it for….40 bucks”

My immediate reaction overwhelmed me

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA”

The owner said that the toy was easily in C5 condition, but looking at it from my perspective, this thing was closer to CShit condition. His reasoning for the price? The mechanism that opens Soundwave’s cassette deck STILL WORKS. Wow. Forty bucks for a toy that looked to have been uncovered by an archeological dig simply wasn’t matching up. Needless to say me and Ronnie got away from there relatively quick.

Oddly enough there was another toy shop on the other side of the market that actually DID have worthy collector item Transformers. Including a Soundwave that I would have easily paid 40 bucks for if I had any money, and a collection of Dinobots that almost made me shit myself. So you see it all just depends on who you deal with. Flea market booth people aren’t really that smart anyway. They own a flea market booth, after all. You may try haggling, but for the most part you’re better off just moving along to the next booth, and never looking back again.

Congratulations, Now It’s Your Turn

After all of this, we hope that you now have the knowledge yourself to experience the flea market scene for yourself. So now it’s your turn to find your local flea market, see the useless shit that’s sold in every corner, stare in horror at the amazing prices people want you to pay for their junk, and even mingle with a crowd that may be closer to prehistoric man than you ever thought possible. I wouldn’t actually suggest buying anything though. That’s not what the flea market experience is about. No, the flea market experience is mainly to be a part of, even if for a few minutes, a sort of urban sideshow. A sideshow made up of curiosity, disgust, and the occasional wonderment.

Your flea market experience will vary, though. It’s a big America out there, and every state has their own version of the flea market. It’s part of the fun of going to them. And if you’ve never been, then I highly suggest taking the time to go. If you’re like me, and occasionally enjoy looking at the flipside of consumerism, and its dark, stained underbelly, then I’m sure you’d enjoy it. It shows, albeit in a very haggard way, how things used to be done way, way back in the days before we had mass commercialization of everything. People gathering under one roof, with the intention of peddling their goods to the public. It’s neat in a way, until you realize that 80% of everything at flea markets are bootlegs, and the rest is absolute trash.

Well, most of it is. I mean, sometimes you’ll find something that’s worth your while, right?

Oh yeah