Usually when you throw Asians, bondage, and violence together you get something worthy of buying, or at least worthy of downloading and discarding after you have satisfied your primal urges that you will vehemently deny to all friends and coworkers the next day. Especially when you bring video games into the mix. That isn’t the case with this game however, appropriately titled “I’m Sorry,” probably because the developers simply did not have the time to personally apologize to anyone who was ever unfortunate enough to play this game.

In this game, you play the part of, well, a Japanese businessman, with a very very large head. I’m guessing over in Japan, Businessman must be considered very heroic, since we all know only heroic men, or women in tight clothes ever appear in video games. And while our bigheaded Japanese businessman may not look very heroic, I can assure you that he is at least very amusing looking, standing on top of mount Fuji, waving a fan, like all Japanese businessmen do.

Once you come to the grips with the fact that you are controlling a small humanoid that appears to be about as exciting as deciding which socks you are going to wear for the day, you will then get to actually play the game. Apparently, you run all over what I guess is Japan, collecting little gold bars and taking them to what seems to be a bank. Sounds like the usual day for a Japanese businessman, right? Sound like a fun game? Not really. But just as you begin to reach desperately for the escape key to end the game, that’s when the horror bursts in, smashing the hands of anybody who dared reach into that little crack between the door and the frame. That is basically the effect this game will have on you, the pain is unexpected, sudden, and goes away almost as quickly and mysteriously as it appeared. Just like bad oral sex.

Want an example? Fine, fine, here you go.

So far so good. I can even see a game that may be fun happening

As you can see here, just a normal city full of disproportioned men, our hero (the one without sunglasses and head the size of a small oil tanker) is trying to collect all of the gold bars before the Japanese Mafia (the guys with sunglasses) and the rolling barrel (of course there’s a rolling barrel, DUH) get him. And what would happen if they got him you ask? Would they break his leg with a crowbar? Would they break both of his legs with two crowbars? Would they mix horse manure and strawberry yogurt and make him eat it? No, they will do something far, far worse:

As perfectly normal as you want it to be

They’ll put him a Goddamn diaper, strip to leather negligee, and whip the holy SHIT out of him, S&M style. I have to admit, when I first saw this I didn’t believe it. I remember I spent the next few turns purposefully getting caught so I could see if I was actually losing my mind or not. I mean, you have to really take a step back, and realize what you’re seeing. A large-headed Japanese businessman who has a love of collecting gold bars, gets captured by mean Mafia-like guys, and then with no prior notice, is stripped to a diaper, and beaten with a whip in the middle of the street. There’s really only so much that can be processed by the human brain before it just says “fuck this shit” and shuts down forever. But, out of all of that, I think the thing that disturbed me most was the fact that the Mafia guys were wearing leather/bondage outfits underneath their suits. After seeing all of these things, and listening to my brain make strange “whirring” noises as I did, I decided a few things:

1. I had to continue playing this game to see what the hell could possibly be next.
2. This game would be perfect to review at OMGJeremy.com
3. It is perfectly normal to get erections while playing this game, and it does not put your masculinity in question. Ever.

Well, as if that wasn’t tragic enough, I advanced a few levels and lo and behold I came across a familiar face. That’s right, the “King of Pop” himself, Michael Jackson. Now hold on to your testicles, because our favorite bleach-faced monster of horror has a few tricks up his sequined sleeves, other than bland pop songs and thirty minute long videos. The object is of course to , just like real life, is to stay the fuck away from him. If however you are retarded, or want to try and hit him repeatedly for ever allowing Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal cover to be released to the unsuspecting public, then let him catch you…and…and…just look for yourself at what happens:

MY MIND

He tears out your damn eyes! Just like the real life Michael Jackson!

Scary huh? Well the rest of the game is just as frightening, and not to mention hard. I played this game for five minutes straight and only made it a few levels up, mostly because of the barrels took me out, and my attention was being focused away on a particularly colorful crayon my son had left on the floor. But as for the difficulty, take a look at some of the pictures above. See the barrels? Those damned barrels you see are your worst enemy. They track you down with laser precision. Not only is it annoying, but it’s God damn frustrating to be putting effort into something you really don’t want to put effort into. Like actual work, or childbirth.

And as far as I can tell, this is all I’m Sorry has to offer. It’s a horrible game, and further solidifies my beliefs that Sega was on non-stop crack rock in the eighties. Really, there is no logical explanation as to why this game exists, as it’s not fun at all, and the rest of it is disturbingly hilarious for some reason. But to conclude, I suggest that you not play I’m Sorry. I seriously doubt any of you had I’m Sorry on your list of games to play anyway, but you know, just in case. It’s always good to have someone tell you these things beforehand before you make a total moron out of yourself. Like how my girlfriend just informed me that men can’t go through childbirth.

God damn.