This past week I decided that I’d join the crowd and catch the latest horrible stomach virus going around town. It always seems to be that at least one terrible disease hits the city every winter that everyone manages to catch, and this year Pissing Out Your Ass Stomach Virus #07 won the honor. I took it in stride by basically hovering over the toilet while trying not to shit myself in the process.

For some reason though, I decided to play Boogerman on my local emulator during bouts of ass pissing to see just how bad time has been to everyone’s least favorite 90’s mascot character. I’m not going to inundate you with a thousand words on who or what Boogerman is -- I simply can’t bring myself to do it. You should already know what Boogerman is by now. In short; Boogerman is a terrible platform game using a terrible character, and the always terrible idea to base your entire game around toilet humor.

Oh, and boogers.

Lots and lots of boogers.

To no surprise of mine, the game is still absolutely terrible. I remember renting it as a kid (I know, I know) and feeling totally cheated out of my four bucks five minutes into playing it. The controls are loose, attacking is totally awkward, and just everything about the game is completely asinine. To pile it on, none of the game’s humor is funny. Maybe if you’re in third grade and just discovered the word “poop” for the first time and it’s many comedic uses, but not anyone else. It comes off as completely forced. And if anything is more sad than forced toilet humor, then I don’t know what is.

How the fuck do you need to force toilet humor anyway? I mean Jesus Christ that stuff sells itself without even trying. And yet somehow Boogerman couldn’t get ONE fart joke right.

Just sad.

I mentioned in a previous article that gamers were growing up about the time Boogerman came out, and I can only thank God for that. If kids actually bought this and we were forced through a few sequels of this shit, I’m not sure we would have recovered from it yet. I can only imagine the forced sequel titles:

-Boogerman 2: POOPOCALYPSE
-Boogerman 2: POOPIN IN THE POOP
-Boogerman 2: POOP? POOP!

Anyway, it was a bad idea all around. Odd how things like that seem like perfectly good ideas while you’re delirious. I can see that now, but I suppose Boogerman will always have a place in history as that one game that made all of us kids realize that maybe it was time to move onto bigger and better things.

Mainly jiggling 3D polygon boobs.

YEAAAH!