During my time in the retail world, I’d have to say the strangest store I’ve worked at would be Another Universe. For a while, it seemed all we stocked was polystyrene statues of Pirates, Skeletons, and Pirate Skeletons. I’m now sure what the people running the company were smoking, and frankly, I don’t care. That store never ceased to blow my mind during the whole time I worked there. My favorite time period in that store had to be when Pokemon were HUGE, and we couldn’t get any authentic toys, so they bought these horrendous korean knock-offs. I’m talking figures where they obviously made molds off of the real figures, and then gave a paintbrush to a chimp, and Wham! Figure! I wish I would have bought some of these shitty things, just so I could have pictures of what they looked like… just horrendous.

Well, during the knock-off “pocket-mon” era, we began carrying anything and everything with the Pokemon characters on it. My favorite of which was this toy.

It's a keychain with... uh... Pringlesmon or someone!

You know what’s even better than this shitty keychain? Did someone say “The package it came in”?? Well, you’re completely right. The package it came in is millions of times better than this keychain of the damned! Why is the packaging cool? Because it is covered with the worst “engrish” I’ve ever read. And everyone knows that comically bad english phrases are possibly better then sex… or at least it’s been long enough that I’m beginning to believe that. Lets start with a look at the package itself.

Ok, this was the insert that the keychain was shrinkwrapped with. See all that text on it? It’s all pure comedy super-fuel. Let’s look at the front of the package first.

All spelling errors are as printed

In green text – middle of card:

“Beamof light placet throw light on lock hole !!

Smallness genius too lustronsly!!”

In blue text – printed over middle of the key:

“On accont of shape either thickneessk of set measures to, share key unpowered stow down.”

In green text – printed at bottom of key:

“Whenas key unpowered stow down chron May, forcompany commonness key-holp wield”

In bold green – at bottom right of card:

“Lade up with briefness, administer upwith placet not briefness oh”

That is all the text on the front card. The best part of this text has to be that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL ANY OF IT MEANS. “administer upwith placet not briefness oh”?! Right. Sometimes I think that knock-off manufacturers really do know english, but they put this crap on there so people buy their items just to laugh at. That would easily explain this keychain, and also this bracelet a friend of mine had that just said “Bite Me Thes Tits” on it. But we’re not done yet. No, we’re just getting started….

However funny the front of the package may be, the directions and warnings on the back of the package are possibly the best read you’ll ever have. Ever. Let’s see what steps we should follow to get this KEYCHAIN up and running.

Stow Down Key

1. Twist off stew of pictwre one, open the casing. (Ok, we open the keychain up. Easy.)
2. Take away double-sided pastern’s protector loot at the piceure two, put the key on the double-sided, energise downwards pressure and then fix. (Uh, you had me until “pastern”. What are you talking about?!)
3. After fix key, close the casing, use stew fix. (Not a clue. Not a fucking clue.)

Use Ways And Means

The picture three’s press arrow orientation prossure switches, the camp is aflame, lose hold of the lamp is not aflame. (Ok, I’m getting worried… I think I understood that. It basically means there’s a button on the keychain, and when you push it, the thing lights up. When you let go, it stops lighting up. Shit. It does do that!)

The Batteries’s Change Ways and Means

1. Twist off stew of picture one, open the casing. (Ok, open the keychain up again.)

2. Look at the picture four, open the battery casing. (Ok, open the battery casing. Either these are getting closer to english, or I have sufficient brain damage now to understand this.)

3. Look at the picture four, stow down the new battery. (Ok, I’ll “stow down” the new battery.)

4. After stow down battery, sit on battery casing. (So close, then you lose me. I have to sit on this keychain? Is that to hide it from thieves?)

5. Coat nether casing, use stew fix (Ahh! There we go. Back to gibberish. What the hell is “nether casing”?!)

Now, we’ve seen the directions they have given us for our light-up keychain. I see from reading the directions that this is not just a keychain, it also holds a key. Now that IS useful. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought “man, if only the key to my car looked really, really gay… I bet chicks would dig that.” Now I can. But what about the dangers this keychain presents? Are there any warnings or anything?

You bet your ass, princess.

CAUTIONS

• - Put it at the place the children can’t touch. (I guess that means I put the keychain in my pants?)
• - Changer battery must have adule. (Uh… )
• - Please right on use battery cautions following (Uh… part 2)
• - Don’t let the battery electrification shortcircuit, dissolution, transmution, heating and plunge into fire. (Plunge into fire?! Let me remind you… THIS IS A FUCKING CHILD’S KEYCHAIN)
• - When you save or discard battery, you must use sellotape insulsion. (I’ll get right on that…)
• - When you set up battery, please cautions batteries sign. (Also, when use the item, please don’t stow down the placets. Much good will happen if you donut.)
• - When you save, don’t put it at the place of hyperthermia or waterness or sunshine projectivity. (Please don’t taunt Happy Fun Ball… I’m afraid to even open this keychain.)
• - If the battery water into eyes, please use water scour away and then send back job’s dock. (So if I get the “battery water” in my eyes, I’m supposed to scour them off? That’s a bit harsh.)
• - Please careful use it. (Yes, please)
• - Not for children 3 years. (With these warnings, I’d say “Not for NASA engineers.”)
• - Don’t put the product into mouth. (Or eyes… unless you want them scoured off!)

See, this toy is practically made to kill off a loved one. I am afraid to even push the button on it, what with all the plunging into fire that may occur. The sad part is that the english on this package is still better than 90% of my college papers. But, for you all, I will push this button, and DAMN THE CONSEQUENCES! If I plunge into fire, I blame all of you.

Wait for the explosion...

Well, it seems I’m ok, but I’m going to put this thing back in the package and bury it in the backyard. Maybe the children of the future can handle the destructive power that this keychain will bestow upon the world… but I’m sure not ready.