I think there must be a point where kids like to think they’re cool, but are so far from it that it almost becomes some sort of “backwards” movement from cool. Like an “anti-cool”. The very REVERSAL of cool, if you will. We’ve all went through this phase, I think. It’s not like we were attuned to be 100% cool the day we got shot out of a uterus. It’s something that comes with time. Something that can only be learned with as much trial and error as pitiful laughter from your friends. Unfortunately, at a young age we generally lack the judgement of our peers, as our peers are busy learning the finer points of bathing without clothes on. With no direction, toy companies easily prey on the younger generation with toys that they may THINK is cool because it has big crazy catchphrases all over, but in fact are incredibly far from it.

So how many of us fell for it?

Yeah, you better raise your hands.

This is what the Rock N’ Roll Cool Van is. Now, I can clearly see that this particular van is not cool. It is about on the level of cool that your Grandmother may concieve as cool, but this is clearly not the case for defining what cool is. If it were, Andy Griffith would be so cool he’d have to swat womens gaping mouth’s away from his lower extremities at a constant rate. Your Grandma though, is not responsible for what’s cool, and the Rock N’ Roll Cool Van is certainly nowhere as cool as it wants to be.

But just saying you’re Rock N’ Roll doesn’t mean you are. Much like how Poison screamed that for years, but as far as I know, no one ever believed them. Not even their own fans. This van here, to prove it is all about the scene, produces a mean guitar riff upon the pressing of a button. And by mean guitar riff I am saying it sounds like that guy that always tries to play electric guitar, but everything he ever pounded out sounded exactly the same. Only now it sounds like he’s playing it from the inside of a cat’s throat. This van, much like Poison before it, is fooling no one.

But I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t have bought it when I was a kid.

Shutup.