You know, I was thinking about it. Thinking about writing another goddamn article for this goddamn website. And I was perusing my various interests and whatnot because it is best to write what you know about, whether you like it or not. Well, I guess we’ve shown that we really don’t have to know about it, actually. But it seems to be very common to write about things we don’t like here at omgjeremy.com. I guess because when you don’t like things, you can be unnecessarily mean about it very easily, and you sick, disturbed readers go “OMG! Did you see how mean they were in that article!? Lololollloll! They are geniuseses!” Very shameful of you, omgreaders.

But I’m not here to pass judgement on you kids. In fact, I am here to do something even more unusual than that. I am here to write an article on something I do like. Something I do have an interest in. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to write about Quality Children’s Television Programming. More specifically, I am here to tell you about one of my favorite shows: Blue’s Clues.

I see a clue! A CLUE!!

Nickelodeon Usually Threw Shit in My Face

I mean, among early morning Nick Jr contemporary Children’s Shows that they show. I can’t include the classics like Ren and Stimpy, Pinwheel, and You Can’t Do That On Television. Nor can I include Invader Zim, which is beautiful in its own way. But I’m talking about things like Dora the Explorer. And little cartoony things that are so mild and child-friendly that they make me want to die. However, Blue’s Clues very rarely ever made me want to sick up on myself.

I personally started watching this Fine Program Intended for the Very Young in 1997. It was perfect for the stay-up-all-night crowd I was hanging out with at the time. The blue puppy was friendly, but Steve Burns actually made the show.

I Want A Shirt Like That – But I Never Want to Pay For It

Steve was actually the driving force of the show. If it had relied only on semi-poorly drawn and animated computer puppies and things made of felt, it would have passed through my life completely unnoticed. But instead, the makers of the show knew what they were doing, and they hired a likable fellow to become the televised friend of toddlers and older kids everywhere!

Best Friends Forever!!!11

Many normal, non-me people will commonly tell you things like “I don’t know who you are talking about,” or, “I have no opinion whatsoever,” when you ask them what they think of Blues Clues, or Steve. These people are clearly not In the Know. I’ve met a few people who have negative opinions about it. I think they are just trying to appear “tough” and “cool” by diminishing a program enjoyed by developing children. Their opinions differ wildly from my own, so I automatically consider them to be Sucka MCs – my sworn enemies. But I think most people who have endeavored to sit down and watch have found the program to be actually quite addictive. In a good way.

I Am Not A Stalker

Steve Burns totally made that show great. I really mean it. Some people who “don’t get it” always sort of characterize him as “that stupid guy who sings those annoying songs.” Songs about getting letters and being really smart are uplifting, it’s true, but I can admit that they really aren’t Musical Masterpieces. But come on, people, this is a show meant for tiny children! They aren’t terribly demanding when it comes to lyrical content. I believe those songs made “the Farmer in the Dell” and “the Wheels on the Bus” absolutely PALE in comparison!

The fruit is real, and so is Steve's nightmare.

The best part about Steve is how he acted. I mean, you’d sit there and watch his crazy antics, and you’d think to yourself “Now there’s a guy who loves his work.” And I mean love in that way that you enjoyed it at first, but then you became embroiled in some sort of contractual nightmare. Steve always looked like he’d rather be doing something else. You could see it in his eyes. His expression usually seemed to say “I have been talking to imaginary cartoons on a blue screen for 4 years now… Please help me!” And that very look was what made the show great. It made Steve appear more human, and more like a person I would actually give a high-five to on the street. I also probably put way too much thought into the entire scene. But when you are seventeen years old and haven’t slept in days, you start to really Understand where Everyone is Coming From, so to speak. If you catch my imaginary drift.

Steve is just charismatic. He inspired pity in the older viewer. I am pretty sure that the younger kids were more interested in the other characters for the most part, and we will discuss them somewhat at length a little later in this article, but I wanted to talk about the sheer awesomenocity of Steve Burns for just one more paragraph. Mostly because this article seems to be going pretty slowly. I think I have been writing all day, and I am currently just shy of 900 words. Fuck an A. Where was I? Ah yes, the Pity Factor. It was directly related to the Shout Out Phenomenon. Blues Clues is one of the few television shows ever in history where I can’t not say the answers out loud. I tried once, and I couldn’t do it. Steve stood there, looking at me from the television set, with this strange sorrow in his eyes because he couldn’t tell the difference between a cheese and a celery. There was silence. No background noise in my home or the TV. I couldn’t stand the pressure, so I had to shout “It’s the cheese, Steve! The cheese! Triangle!” And he said “the cheese? Oh yeah, that would totally make sense! You know, you’re so smart, Amanda.” And then he sent about 5 thumbs-ups my way! Everytime he needed help (which was about every 3 minutes or less), I couldn’t help but lend in my screeching voice of reason. My god, this is a long and frightening paragraph!

Yeah, There Were Other Characters, Too – or Something

Bow! Bowbowbow!

I remember there being some other characters on the show as well. One was a little puppy that was colored blue. It left paw prints and generally propelled each day’s plot. It was cute and said “bow bow bow!” Awww. There were other characters besides that one, too. I found them much more interesting than the dog they called Blue, though.

Blue had some friends. Like Magenta. Magenta looked exactly like Blue, and sounded exactly like Blue. But she was pinker. There was also a cute soap and table and alarm clock and mailbox. Also, the shovel and pail talked. And you could jump in and out of books and framed pictures. There were felt friends and a small pink snail. Basically, the entire house talked. This jived real well with me, as most of the things in my house talked to me just the same. They were more Adult and Sassy in nature, though. Not at all child-friendly. And I think I am okay with that.

This was hastily scribbled by me - in haste!

My all-time favorite characters were Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper. They had French accents, which I thought was the cleverest thing I had ever heard of. I mean, my god! They were salt and pepper shakers, and THEY SPOKE LIKE THEY WERE FRENCH! Ha ha ha ha ha! That is brilliant! BRILLIANT! They made cute simple faces. And one day, they had a baby. It was a shaker of paprika, named Paprika. And it was the cutest motherfucking tiny shaker of paprika on earth. I swear to god, it was so cute. I wanted to take Baby Paprika and dash her into my soup. I would have, too, if only she had been real.

With Each Passing Section, I Realize How Scary I Might Be

Then one day, Steve had an opportunity to stop being on the show. It was probably a difficult decision, having to figure out if you want the job security and outlandish wealth, celebrity, and prestige that go along with being a Children’s Show Star, or if you’d rather get the hell away from it for the very same reasons. As we all know, Steve chose to leave. Good for him. I probably would have, too. He is now a rock star and hangs out with the likes of the Flaming Lips. See it all go down at his lovely piece of the InterPie: www.steveswebpage.com . Be nice and mention me if he asks how you got there. Specifically, say “Amanda says hi.” And when he says “Who?” Start laughing and go “Oh, you big kidder.” Or act like he’s crazy not to know me. That works too. I can find only one fault in Steve’s departure, and it is that he had to be replaced. This is where things get bad.

Rawk on, Steve. Rawk on.

They decided to make a change in storyline, and have a huge one or two hour long special which was shown in the evening, and I happened to catch some minutes of it before I was mercilessly torn away. Apparently, Steve’s “cousin” – I think his name is Joe – came over. And then Steve left and he stayed. I’m not exactly sure why these things happened, as I missed the ending of the special. I think I had heard that Steve’s character was leaving for college, or something insane like that. And the idea of Steve the Character, the guy who had trouble with telling a circle from a star, was leaving the house to attend a university, made me laugh and laugh, and shake my head. Steve Goes to College could make a decent comic, actually.

So this leaves us with Joe. I don’t really hold anything against Joe. I just don’t like him as much. And I don’t like him as much because it seems like he’s trying to be like Steve. Too much. And we all know that no one can ever replace him satisfactorily. I am hoping that Joe will be able to get into his own, original character soon. Otherwise the little children might decide they don’t like him. And I can’t imagine there being anything worse-feeling than having an army of toddlers being like “That guy? Pff. I think he sucks.” Older kids and adults can be harsh and cruel and fickle, but when the kids even say so – you know times are rough. Joe is trying to replace Steve and pull off similar mannerisms, but you can tell he is happy to be there. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Joe, please get bitter soon!

This Was the Singularly Most Unfunny Article Ever Written

I think this article is complete now. I’ve achieved the desired Word Count. I have written an article that is informative and nice. I mean, I really wasn’t mean at all. I don’t think. Things weren’t exactly funny. In fact, they were less than funny. They were actually downright tense in some spots. When I read over these things I think that I sound like some freakishly pathetic obsessed loser. And I know I’m not – so I can only imagine what the not-me reader is thinking. Probably terrible things. It doesn’t matter though, because I’ve accomplished what I set out to do; Make myself out to be the most insane person on Earth.

And don’t worry, kids. I’ll probably be back to making comics, or writing unbelievably mean things by next week. I just have to be pleasant every once in a while. So don’t bother sending any “Amanda, You Suck, Stop Being So Nice” emails, okay? God! Get off my back, people!!!

A Note From Jeremy: Jesus CHRIST, Amanda