Those Christians are many things. Some of them are very self-righteous and will not rest until the rest of us heathens are converted or sent to Hell. Others are peaceful and kind and sort of like really clean hippies who make brownies and baked goods which are found to be “special” only in the way that they have been baked with Good Christian Love. No, that still is not an herbal kind of love, but believe me buddies, there are those kinds of Christians, too. Christians who won’t let their women dance or wear trousers, Christians who love everyone equally, Christians who hate faggots and foreigners and minorities, Christians in politics, Branson, Missouri, bad Christian films. In fact, there are as many kinds of Christians as there are different kinds of personality on earth! Well, all except one. You see, there are just not any creative Christians. At all.

In their zeal to forward the good message of Jesus Christ, it seems that Christians completely give up their potential for imaginative thoughts. The more cynical of us would say that that is the primary function of religion, to erase creativity because creative thinking would possibly lead to the kind of thinking that makes the thinker think that what they are dedicating their lives to, this blind faith, might be a bit stupid. And thinking like that WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

This is having a negative side effect however. I mean, back when the Christians were converting people via use of torture, flames, and more torture, they didn’t NEED to be creative. They only needed to do what they were told. Nowadays, it doesn’t fly real well to have burnings and inquisitions – at least not within the confines of the old U.S. of A. I cannot speak of what is going on in the non-Christian parts of the world which are being plundered by those wacky Christian soldiers and not getting reported on here.. But please don’t allow me to digress.

You see, American Christians are suddenly faced with the fact that they must market Jesus. They have to come up with ways to get the Young People hip to the Christ. They need slogans, psychological manipulations, products, games, apparel, books, jewelry, motherfucking slap bracelets. They KNOW this. But they just don’t have the wherewithal to create fresh new merchandise to seduce the consumers. So, they blatantly rip off every single thing that some secular heathen has developed that has been anywhere near popular.

Yeah Mountain Dew Rocks! Wait...that's not...oh you FUCKERS

What’s that? Mountain Dew has a logo and a slogan? Rip it off FOR JESUS. Cars are popular amongst the teens? Quick, get every emblem and somehow make it Christian in look. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense! Just do it! Hasbro made a popular toy? Make a cheap, cheap knockoff of it right away. Mattel has a fun game? Quickly suck all of the fun right out of it, put a picture of some biblical character on it, and resell it as “wholesome for your blonde Christian family.” Yes, a million products are ripped off every year with the same arrogance that the Christians used to rip off all of the pagan religions that they wanted to stamp out of existence and replace with their god stuff.

I know that we are all laughing at the absurdity of this. Christians just aren’t as powerful as they used to be. They can’t just storm a village and force everyone into their religious path. Surely Pepsico and Microsoft won’t stand for this flagrant plagiarism. Lawsuits MUST be on the way. After all, if we made OMGJopoly and replaced all of the properties with sinister in-jokes, we would be sued immediately. In fact, since I just wrote “OMGJopoly” I expect their lawyers will be contacting us by the end of this article. And yet, the Christians are getting away with it a hundred times over. They are warming themselves up to the idea of being a massive force in the part of modern life that has always been so cold and godless. They are getting savvy with all of their copycatting. My worst fears were confirmed the day I found the Christian Dollar Store.

So what’s in a Christian Dollar Store? It’s everything we discussed above, just on a scale where it becomes painfully hillarious (Yes even more so). You’ll get to see for yourself since all this week, we’ll be taking a look at the best of the worst that the Christian Dollar Store has to offer you. So sit back, and get ready for a week filled with the best Christianity has to offer you for a whole buck.