So last week while I was in Buffalo for a week of adventure and thrift store tours, I had one of those moments that you only get to have once in a lifetime:

I had a homeless man sing Sexual Healing to me.

And not just any homeless man. No, this homeless man was none other than the Human iPod. I know this because he referred to himself as this no less than forty times in the five minutes he was around us. So who is the Human iPod? Well, he’s an unassuming skinny black guy. The same kind of guy you’d see just walking down the road any day of the week. But little would you know that if you flashed THIS unassuming skinny black guy a dollar that you would be in for at least a dozen minutes of good times. The Human iPod’s shtick is simple enough; you give him a song (and money), and he will sing it to you.

Badly.

And when I say badly, I don’t mean like a bad singer trying to drunkenly make his way through a Journey song during Karaoke night at the local bar. No, the Human iPod will sing to you in a way that can only be described as “tone deaf meth addict”. And if you’ve ever heard your cracked out friend try to sing to you while he’s so drugged out that he’s already mistook the toaster for his cat three times, then you already know what to expect from the Human iPod. Basically, you’ll only be able to make out the chorus if you’re lucky, while the rest of the song may or may not be actual words coming out of his mouth. He will also try his best to perform a dance routine with it, though it more or less looks like the corpse of a participant from a Soul Train episode has risen from the grave, and is actively trying bust out some moves. As bad as it is though, he was totally likeable in that “I paid a homeless man a dollar and he’s doing funny shit” kinda way. 

I felt bad for the couple that the song was actually aimed at. Before the Human iPod shambled up to us, a couple Esther knew from on campus stopped by to say hi. Esther quickly took advantage of the situation by deciding to scar them for the rest of their lives as she noticed our man trucking down the street. After a quick flagging down and a a crisp new dollar bill in his track suit, he asked the couple what their favorite romantic song was. A few seconds later, the worst version of Sexual Healing you ever heard outside of your nightmares was being belted for all within three blocks to hear. It was one of the more surreal moments of my life, and I’m sure the couple instantly regretted ever stopping near us. You could see their polite smile wearing thin after the third, torturous chorus came up. Esther’s smile was genuine though, and was threatening to crack her face in half. 

After what seemed like sixty minutes of awkwardness, the Human iPod bid us farewell, and strolled on down the street. To him, it was just another performance well done. To us though – something we’ll never forget. 

Even if we try.

Thank God for the homeless. If only everyone knew how to entertain so well for so little.

SESHUAL HEEEEEEEEEALIIIIIIIIINNNN