If you were to go up and ask any woman on the street if they have had an orgasm recently, the answer you would almost certainly get would be a well placed fist into your neck. This I assume, is because women are not like men, and really don’t like to discuss their masturbation techniques with their friends like us men do on occasion. Men seemingly don’t care about this, and will gleefully share all of their knowledge of masturbation with you as if he is telling you the meaning of life, and will not stop until you forcefully push him out of your car. I’m not sure why there is such a large difference between male and females. Perhaps it’s that whole, “Men are from mars women are from Venus” thing, but I refuse to believe that because the guy who wrote that book really isn’t all that funny, and comes off as someone I would immediately ignore if I met him in real life. Just like my parents. HA HA! Just kidding Dad! You fucking stoner!

Anyway, after examining this fact for several minutes over a can of caffeine free Pepsi, I decided that this simply cannot be true. I figure that women MUST masturbate and have orgasms as much as men, if not moreso. It’s just that we don’t hear about it as much from our friends, who are more than willing to share their previous night’s giant orgy consisting of themselves, a Sears catalogue, and industrial strength lubricant. So the question remained, just what do women do behind closed doors that us men aren’t allowed to know? To answer this question, like most of life’s questions, I turned to a hentai movie to explain it to me. That movie is none other than, F3.

F3 is your typical story about your typical every day high school girl in Japan. She is in the perfect physical condition, has no illnesses, and is not deformed or horribly scarred in any way like Swamp Thing OR that kid from Mask. This is a good thing because it would be very hard basing a hentai around a girl that looked like the boy from Mask. Especially if Cher were in it. Come to think of it, that would just be a highly perverted version of Mask, finally bringing out all of the underlying incest that movie contained, and would be the most horrible and sad thing created by mankind. Anyway, getting back to our star, we know she’s the perfect representation of the female species, so what’s wrong with her? Simple:

She cannot have an orgasm.

Yes, that’s right, our star girl cannot have an orgasm no matter how hard she tries, which is the main premise of this hentai. We are going to see just what it takes for a totally frigid girl to have an orgasm, and her many misadventures that happen as a result. I am guessing this will be a fun-filled hentai, full of laughs and good times for the entire family. So go on to the living room, and make sure your little sister is sitting really close to the TV, and let’s fire up F3, and “wow” the audience with chills, thrills, and cheap dollar bills. Even though cheap dollar bills has nothing to do with anything and I used it simply because it rhymes and sounds cool. It’s apparent quality writing is ahead.

The movie starts out telling us everything we already know about our frustrated heroine. She wants to have an orgasm, and is not afraid to do the things involved with having an orgasm, she just simply cannot actually achieve said orgasm. Ever. This, as you can imagine, makes for a very frustrated Japanese school girl (As the title of this movie stands for, frantic, female, and frustrated.). As is apparent since the very first scene is of her masturbating while endlessly talking about said masturbation. It seems this is a fairly routine thing for her to do, since she is perfectly comfortable with talking to thin air about her orgasm problems. Or as she calls it, “coming”. What will those crazy kids and there hip lingo come up with next?! Anyway, it is apparent that this movie is going somewhere with it’s plot, and it certainly does just that in scene two…where we watch her masturbate again. Sigh.

But things start rolling ahead when our heroine’s sister arrives home from college and begins doing what all good sisters do: She sits and watches our heroine masturbate. Finally her sister gets the idea that our heroine cannot “come”, and decides that it would be in her best interest if she helped our heroine out a bit. Possibly in the form of lesbian sex, but don’t quote me on that. I basically predict that outcome for everything anyway:

My boss: So Jeremy, what do you predict the sales for this quarter will be?

Me: Lesbian sex.

My boss: It’s about damn time!

Me: *high fives boss*

Our heroine’s sister responds to the situation by entering the room with only her underwear on and looking sultry. Again, don’t get your hopes up for lesbian sex, as this could be the common way females ask each other if they want to go playtable  tennis. I wouldn’t know personally, because table tennis makes my wrist hurt. Our heroine’s sister begins asking if she would like any sisterly advice on her unfortunate situation. Our slightly dense heroine responds by saying a Japanese word which could mean, “let’s have lesbian sex for 5 minutes”, because that’s certainly what happens next. It’s about time those predictions of mine started to work. 

Our heroine’s sister tries everything in her power to upend this whole orgasm mess early in the movie. When her early attempt of foreplay fails, she immediately goes for the bigger guns, consisting of a large strap on marital device. This however, doesn’t seem to work either, which is sad since I was starting to get my hopes up that this would be a short review, and I could go back throwing empty CD cases at my cousin. But there appears to be no such luck this time, as our heroine is still just as frustrated as she was before. This won’t stop our heroine’s sister though! She won’t give up on this lost cause of a slut! 

So now that foreplay and full on strap-on penetration has failed miserably, what is there to turn to next? Of course the only logical thing seems to be to hypnotise our heroine into having an orgasm. Hooray for script writers! Our heroine’s sister begins the horribly stereotypical hypnotism process, and within minutes she finds that she has our heroine completely under her control, and informs her that she would have an orgasm the moment that she touched her (Please try and stay with me here). But unlike a very similar sounding come-on line that many scary lonely men with goatees use in creepy singles bars, this actually seems to work. Once she touches our heroine she has an instant orgasm. Has the problem been solved? Can I stop watching this? I’m having a hard time not staring at all these empty CD cases. But alas, not quite. After all, this movies got 20 more minutes to fill up according to the progress bar.

The hypnotism did actually work, and our heroine is now capable of reaching a suitable climax. The catch? That our heroine can only reach an orgasm when her SISTER touches her. But how can this be? Well, let’s have a flashback to the previous paragraph, complete with wavey lines to see:

“….my parents. HA HA! Just kidding Dad! You fucking stoner!”

Wait, too far. Let’s try again:

“….under her control, and informs her that she would have an orgasm the moment that she touched her”

That would be the reason right there. While her sister meant well and all, it seems she has created a totally uncalled for comedic subplot that involves her sister randomly touching her, making our heroine have like eighty orgasms all at once. This doesn’t get through to our highly stupid heroine though, as she is perfectly fooled into believing that she can now have an orgasm at the drop of a hat, feather, or unemployed suicidal hentai script writer with anyone she wants. Our heroine immediately tests this theory out the next day by going to school and having sex with her boyfriend. In school. In the classroom. I’ve said it many times before, but I feel very cheated in life not being able to go to high school in Japan. To think of all the classroom sex I missed out on having and watching. Especially since I just had to settle with looking down my English teacher’s shirt in my crummy high school. God damn America.

But as it turns out, our heroine finds herself unable to have an orgasm yet again, and instead takes the shitty girlfriend’s way out and fakes one. After all, it would be a rather huge mistake to inform your boyfriend you are unable to have an orgasm at all. So after totally lying to her boyfriend, our heroine finds a newfound commitment for having an orgasm, which she explains by screaming just that at the sun. But she won’t be alone in her quest, and as you can imagine, her sister is gonna help. Just not in the way you’re probably hoping.

Our heroine’s sister decides that the next best thing to do is to go see a psychic. And if Madam Cleo has taught us anything, it’s that psychics know EVERYTHING. Like that time she was on TV and she predicted that girl’s boyfriend was cheating on her. That was some freaky shit. I hid under my couch for a day after I watched that. So once in the psychics home, which for some reason looks strangely like the Taj Maj Hall, the psychic gets down to business by seeing just what’s up with our girl. Soon though, it’s obvious the psychic is totally out of her league when several masturbating women show up in her crystal ball demanding that she make them have an orgasm. If that wasn’t scary enough, a cloud of tentacles surrounds our heroine and grabs for the psychic. Of course this leads to the psychic grabbing her breasts and blowing up in a ball of light. Well, back underneath the couch for me.

It’s clear the psychic was a total bust, and our heroine’s sister is mad that she wasted her money on such a ridiculous thing (This is as close to real life as this movie will ever get). So what should they try next? A mad scientist? Of course! DUH!

Arriving at the evil mad scientist’s Dracula-like castle, our duo meets the good doctor, and is informed that he will perform some experiments on our heroine to see what the problem is. This is quickly agreed to, and our heroine is strapped to a metal chair in her underwear. The doctor begins an examination of her and concludes she has nothing physically wrong with her. So to see for himself just what’s going on, he deploys his newest invention; a robot that contains tentacles. (Oh c’mon, you KNEW this was coming sooner or later). The tentacle pleasurebot continues to work it’s ways unsuccessfully as the doctor continues to push more power into it until it simply cannot go any further, and blows up. Taking the lab and the doctor with it. Our heroine’s sister finds her and apologizes for the obvious bad judgment, and decides to go back home. 

So nothing has worked, and everything is just as bad as it was before we ever got into any of these badly thought up shenanigans. Back at home our duo sit down and discuss the day’s events, and further continue to wonder why our heroine has an orgasm every time her sister touches her (I seem to have forgotten to mention that our heroine is completely oblivious to the whole deal with having an orgasm when touched by her sister. I also seemed to have forgotten to mention other major plot points now that I think about it. My writing skills amaze even myself at times.) So it’s only a matter of time before our well meaning but slightly retarded heroine finally figures out what’s going on. But of course it’s too late now, and her sister selfishly realizes she has a sexual plaything all to herself this whole time and never figured that out until just now. So sister dearest dons a full dominatrix outfit-

(NOTE: to preserve bandwidth in an already large article, we have decided to delete the rest of these paragraphs which mostly just describes a sex scene and wanders off into Jeremy commenting on random foods he’s eaten that made him sick. We will now step back into this article approximately four paragraphs later from where we left it:)

Those pickles were so fucking nasty. I shit for days. Anyway, in the final scene, our heroine’s mother decides to join in on the fun herself, and the movie is over. And so that ends F3 in all of it’s orgasmic fun. In the end, nothing was solved, and everything was basically a set up for a couple of sequels. Now let’s all hang our heads in shame if you thought this review was going anywhere meaningful at all. You will also receive a sticker in the mail that you must wear at all times, telling everyone that you are a horrible shame monster.

After all of that, we have not come anywhere closer to understanding the female orgasm. It’s unfortunate really, since I really had a zany and humorous final paragraph to finish this review off with. But it seems since then I have totally forgotten what I was going to write here. I guess we could finish off by saying there really is no mystery to the female orgasm. I mean, look at you. If you were a woman would you get off looking at you?

Especially without a shirt.