For all the various groups that have been screaming for attention in the last five or so years, like the goths, the anime kids, and even the damn furries, few have been as vocal, or numerous, as the emo crowd. Represented by virtually your basic teen and College student everywhere, emo kids are easily identified as the people you will most likely mistake as a depressed homeless person. Only instead of alleys and abandoned basements, emo kids can be found in small throngs at your local mall foodcourt, and their parent’s basements. A group defined by their emotions, they live to show that their can be a group of human beings somehow even more infinitely annoying than anime fans.

"omg I totally cried watching Degrassi High last night"

However, I do understand that there are tons of people who seem to WANT to be emo for some reason. Perhaps it’s to simply be with a group after all the other groups rejected you, and if that’s the case, then I can safely say you may be in the right place this time. It doesn’t take much to be emo. In fact, you may have the majority of it down already and simply be unaware, or how to put it all together into that convincing emo look that you see sipping cheap coffee and writing poetry in their notebooks at the mall. Fear not, as we’re always here to help you, the people unable to help themselves. We may not always agree with what you want to do, but we’ve always felt that if you’re going to do something, even if it is highly depressing and generally something that will make you an outcast from modern society, then at least do it RIGHT.

Now admittedly I am not the person to be asking advice about the emo culture. I am generally too old to be emo anyway, and me trying to fit in with emo kids now would result in weeks and weeks of re-evaluating my life in general. Still though, this has never stopped me before, but I figured I should at least educate myself “some” before attempting to educate all of you. I do realize that most of my previous guides were mostly based on random things that I made up in my head, which has caused a large amount of angry emails screaming at me that I did not represent their sub-culture to their liking. This will not happen again. This time, I will at least gather facts before I dump them to the side and make things up. So I turned to Noel, a good friend of mine who could go about showing me the finer points of being emo, since she herself, is emo. Throughout the article she was quick to pick up many of my mistakes and make me feel like a complete tard for not knowing anything:

Me: What do you think of this picture?

Her: Idiot that’s not emo that’s hardcore. 

Me: What?

Her: Hardcore, straight edge. It’s an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT subculture

Me: What?

Her: Like GOTHS. At least take the time to represent emo kids accurately. 

Me: What? Whatever I’ll just use another furry cosplay pic.

As you can see, this article will reach new heights for genuine facts and information.

So now we’ll be looking at several of the things that it takes to be one with the emo crowd. If you wish, you can make a checklist, or simply follow along with these simple rules, so that you too can finally be a part of a group that you can belong to. Even if that group is about as fun as crying alone in your bedroom, which, amazingly enough, is probably what you’ll be doing most in your new life as an emo kid. So secure your nearest learning helmet, it’s time to turn you into an emo kid.

Rule #1: Emo Means to be Emo

Note the pitiful look, the longing eyes, the running mascara. This girl is a pro

Do you seem unable to do basic daily activities without having detailed memories of your ex girlfriend/boyfriend and breaking down into a slobbering mess on the floor from the sheer pain of knowing you can no longer go on with your life from the massive void you now realize such a loss has had on you, all while simply trying to buy groceries? Do you find yourself lying inside an empty bathtub, continuously crying after you caught a glimpse of the photo of your ex girlfriend/boyfriend that you’ve thrown away and then retrieved from the garbage at least eight times now? Can you not have a basic conversation without quoting Death Cab for Cutie at least twice? If you answered yes to all of that, then you can skip to the next section. If not, we’ve got some work to do.

You see, being emo means that you have to be “emotional”. A lot. I don’t mean like every now and again like the majority of us. Being emo means that your emotional side has to simply rule you in every way. It has to be “on” all the time. Basically being emo means that you are going to go through every extreme range of emotion by writing one single post in your Livejournal than what most people will go through in a year. Think you’re capable of this? Sound easy enough? Always been looking for an excuse to punch your cat in the face and then cry on top of it every few minutes, you say? Hold on there, cowboy! Let’s go over a few more simple rules first:

Rule #2: You Need a Tragic Past

Your favorite CD crushed could cause years of depression and untold amounts of poetry

Please don’t misunderstand when I use the word “tragic” here. I don’t mean that your mother had to die while giving birth to you after being encircled by a pack of bloodthirsty wolverines and you only survived by eating the remains of your deceased mother for the first four years. No, tragic here is a word that can be stretched into pretty much any sort of situation, things that most of us go through on a daily basis, but it’s your abilities at being emo that will make it SOUND tragic. This includes:

• Having a bad haircut that one time
• Having a girlfriend/boyfriend that broke up with you
• You lost a cd that you kinda liked
• That time someone said your favorite band sucked.

Having one of those qualities qualifies you as being a sloppy emo bastard, capable of tearing up every time you even mention one of the above. Having more than one of those would qualify you as something akin to a holocaust victim in the emo crowds. Next, you simply have to know how to convey your tragedy to others. Let’s take a look at how an everyday Joe would tell his friends about one of the above examples:

You: I lost a cd.

Friend: Yeah?

You: I kinda liked it. Oh well.

Friend: That sucks.

Sound like you? If so, you are a failure. You’re going to need a bit more practice at being emo. Now let’s take a look at the CORRECT way of telling this utter tragedy to your friend:

You: I lost a cd.

Friend: Yeah?

You: It was a rough night. I had looked for several hours. It meant a lot to me. It got me through the hard times in my life. I think it meant more to me than my parents. I searched everywhere and then I could feel the tears starting to run down my face. Then I caught sight of Jenna’s picture in the trash and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I went out to the front lawn and laid down on the exact spot in driveway where she broke up with me and I realized what a failure at life I was. 

Friend: You are a goddamned freak of nature.

See that? THAT’S how you do it emo style. In short, EVERY INSTANCE OF YOUR LIFE has to be blown up into an over-emotional story of pure emo-epicness. This will not win you many friends outside your small group of emo friends, but rest assured, they’ll most likely write some shitty poetry about it. Think you got this? Let’s move on then.

Rule #3: Your Ex Has Ruined Your Life

Only fits of crying will come from seeing this again, but you can NEVER THROW IT AWAY

You may see that a lot of what we’ve mentioned so far has to do with failed relationships. There’s a reason for that. Failed relationships are basically the very foundation of what being emo is. The idea being that you simply have so much love to give to another human being, that said human being mostly thinks it is highly creepy and eventually breaks up with you after you started mailing her 19 letters a day filled with poetry and confessions of true love even though she moved in with you a month ago. The breakup is simply too much for you, and you spiral into the depths of depression, unsure of how anyone could deny the love that you simply wanted. You mustn’t see that near constant love and affection and your daily confessions of life-long love and devotion can generally get old rather fast. No, what you must see is that this one single breakup has single handedly ruined your life forever.

Even if breakups happen every second to most of us, what you must realize that this last relationship was TRUE love. It was the stuff you only come across once in a lifetime. THIS was the shit that the fucking animals would come out of the forest and start singing Lion King songs every time you touched. It was THAT hardcore. Even if you only met her two months ago and were too afraid to speak to her face to face for the first month, you have now officially lost a part of you. The part you NEEDED. This is what you must convey to everyone from now on, for the rest of your life.

Your newfound depression will surely lead you down many dark roads, including things such as a Livejournal where you will spend nights writing post after post like the following:

“i just re-read that convo of when me and tj broke up. and its hurting me alot. i deno why. i mean, i thought i was over him. but i dont know. it hurts alot. like my heart is unstitching. i really do drive people away from me. this is my moment of pitty on myself. it will never happen EVER again. ahhhhhhhhhh just shoot me.”

Got all of this? Are you suitably scarred, tragic, and emotionally trounced on? Ok, let’s start working on your appearance and general likings now.

Rule #4: Only Completely Annoying, Indecipherable Whiny Music Can Soothe You

His indecipherable banshee-like screaming speaks to you in a deeper way

Now that you are suitably emofied to some extent, you’re going to have to move on to things that are easily identifiable to the emo crowds, to show them that you are, in fact, one emo motherfucker. First up is music. Did you have any certain style of music you liked before? Rock, maybe some rap? Well, that’s all gotta go, kiddo. You can’t be emo unless you unconditionally listen to the horror that is modern emo music.

Emo music is easily identified by an ear-shattering vocalist that screams endlessly about his ex girlfriend that ruined his life. See? This gives you something to identify with in the music. This is why you listen to this music, because it is the only music that accurately portrays your anguish and suffering through the tribal whiteboy screaming piercing your skull. You may ask me for recommendations to certain emo bands, but it doesn’t matter. they all sound the same. And I don’t mean the same in the way most people say about music they dislike, like when someone says “I don’t listen to rap because it all sounds the same”. No, I’m dead serious here. It all sounds the same. 

Even though they all sound the same, you’re still going have to pick one that you have become so emotionally attached to that you virtually apply every moment of your life to some lyric of one of their songs. This band is not just some haggard bunch of pre-pubescent teens screaming into a microphone. No, they represent your SOUL. And with that attachment comes the roller coaster of emotions that everything that happens to them, also affects you in ways that most of us would only go through if our entire family were beheaded in front of us. Like when that one band you really liked broke up then got back together and then broke up again, forcing you into psychiatric care for at least six months.

Now that you have the music down, let’s get you dressed up.

Rule #5: Time to Dress Like Everyone Else to be Unique

The way you dress is actually a huge factor in your new life as an emo kid. What you’re gonna have to do is go for a look that not only says “I paid one dollar for my entire outfit” but also shows everyone that you simply do not conform to their stringent ways of conformity. To accomplish this, you will have to dress just like everyone else. I know it sounds confusing, but it’s really easy once you see exactly what you have to choose from.

This small humanoid exhibits the perfect emo style that you should strive for. IE: Everything your parents ever bought for you that they thought was cool but you refused to wear.

Ever frequented your local used clothes shop and seen clothes that appear to have been made in an entirely separate universe, for things that may not entirely have the ability to see color? That’s what you’re going for. Giant puke green sweaters that could kill a hog from sheer ugliness, dirty jeans so tight they could restrict intestinal operation, shoes that may have to be held together by tape and string, tight band shirts, inconceivable accessories, the list goes on. The main thing to remember is that you want to wear what no one else on Earth would want to wear. Not even the goths. To put it simply, the emo style is everything that got rejected from every other group. Sorry kid, better get your ass to Goodwill soon.

Once you’ve paid a few bucks for an entire new wardrobe and now effectively look like a homeless groupie that lives in their own filth, you should start accessorizing some. It really, honestly doesn’t matter what you use, as pretty much anything can be stuck to your body and used as an emotional attachment as to why you wear it, but you mainly want to stick with things that show your commitment to certain causes/bands/people. Namely buttons.

Tons and tons of buttons.

All over everything. In the end, buttons should cover about 40% of your body mass to truly show your undying commitment to your causes. It may also be smart to buy a backpack, simply to put more buttons on. Even if you don’t need a backpack. Just stick goddamn buttons all over it. If anyone ever asks you why you have so many buttons, look at them as if they are the most retarded person on Earth, and walk away. They obviously do not understand your plight to inform everyone of the millions of names and things stuck all over you. They do not understand what you represent. No one understands you. No one understands your buttons and your used clothing store horror sideshow. Now go into the bathroom and cry silently in a stall as overwhelming depression comes for a visit.

Rule #6: Your Hair Must Resemble Your Suffering by Looking Like Pure Ass

Note the careful styling, and a look that tells everyone "I don't comb my hair"

Your hair is also an important part of showing your dedication to being emo. Apparently somewhere along the line, being emo meant having hair that seemed to be grown out of a mutant chia pet and groomed with a rabid cat. The basic rule seems to be:

• Grow your hair out
• Never comb it
• Even if it begins to cover up your vision
• Grow your hair out more

What you want your hair to look like in the end is almost a bowl-like covering that covers your entire face to some degree, all while still looking as if you haven’t groomed yourself in several years.

Rule #7: Finding An Emo Mate, and Living Happily Ever After

In the end, emo kids don’t generally want to stay the tortured beasts that they are. The simple goal seems to be to try to find someone that will accept your creepy emotional self, and find some sort of semblance of happiness again. Think of being emo as an “in between” sorta thing. You may be emo for a while, find a girlfriend and return to normal life, then break up and find yourself right back into those nasty tight jeans. Emo is about trying to understand emotions and generally getting over the unrelenting aspect that there may not be anyone on Earth that could ever be with you and not want to chokeslam you within three days. For the most part though, this is generally untrue.

The simple truth is that 90% of every emo kid out there will only be emo for a while, sort of like a passing phase. Much like goths and anime kids. A means to fit in with a crowd that can perhaps understand their plight through this wacky world. Then another girl/boy comes along, maybe this time someone who can put up with them, and things work out. Then you look back on your days of shitty poetry, constant depression, and stalker-like ways, and realize how goddamn retarded you were. And life moves on.

At least until you find the breakup letter.