If there is one thing we have learned growing up, it’s that there are many different types of people in society, and that you either mock them, join them, or respect them. They may seem vastly different, but there is one thing they all have in common:

YOU CAN SEDUCE ANY OF THEM AT WILL.

That’s right kids, no matter what kind of social label that attractive person across the room is wearing, you can be in their pants in a mere matter of moments, and I’m here to tell you how.

Now you may wonder, is this a guide for men, or for women? Why my friends, no matter your gender we have it all. For women we will have the men, and for men we will have the women, and for gays…. Well you figure out which one you want to pick, and those wacky bisexuals will just have to do it all. So let’s get started!

He needs love like he needs his spiked bracelet

• How to seduce a goth boy

This one is easy. As everyone is well aware, Goth boys like nothing more than to tell the world about how terrible their life is, and about how they cut themselves so they can bleed in their sleep as one with their lord Satan in the everlasting darkness. If you really think that Goth boy is cute, and if you don’t mind the occasional razor cut on your vag, this is what you will need for your seduction:

1. A book of Edgar Allan Poe’s works with a black cover
2. Black clothing 
3. Cat scratches on your arm
4. A depressed look

Your conversation should be as follows:

You: <walk by slowly with book tucked under arm so title can be read and sleeve rolled up so cat scratches can be seen>

Him: Poe is a great author, his work is so dark and beautiful.

You: Yes, he is my favorite.

Him: My mother abandoned me as a child in a supermarket where I found a case of knives at the age of three and began cutting myself. I can never get enough of my own blood since my cat died and my grandmother went crazy and lives in a mental home and drinks her own urine.

You: That’s so sad.

Him: Want to have sex?

You: Yes.

Success!

• How to seduce a goth girl
  

  Just try not to let her talk too much

Now Goth girls are a little tougher since, as we all know, they are saving their virginity for their sixteenth birthday when Satan will visit them in goat form and bestow their full power upon them. But, as you realize by now, there is a way into any pair of pants.

What you need for your seduction:

1. Red contacts
2. Fake fur

Glue some random fur to places around the edges of your shirt, then put in your contacts, and walk right up to that girl and your conversation should be as follows:

You: I have come my child.

Her: Who are you?

You: I have chosen you, a puny human to be my vessel with which to bestow my mighty power upon your weak and trembling mortal flesh. You will be my bride tonight.

Her: Oh Satan! Take me!

Almost as easy as dropping a baby.

So much love to give...and hair gel

• How to seduce emo boys

Emo boys are not hard to find, and very easy to seduce since they think their luck with women is horrible and the fact that a woman would even talk to them would blow their minds. You can usually find them in bookstores at the mall, where they work.

You will need:

1. Thrift store clothing or a band shirt
2. Dark thick framed glasses
3. A skirt

Conversation should be as follows:

You: I like your hair

Him: Thanks, I washed it last Tuesday, the grease helps me spike it easier

You: So, you work here? That sucks.

Him: Yeah, but since my girlfriend left me I haven’t had much motivation to do anything.

You: Yeah, girls are like that. So, do you want to fuck?

Him: Yeah, if I can cry into my pillow afterwards.

You: Sure.

Depressing, but at least you got laid.

• How to seduce emo girls
  

  Just be sure to have a Death Cab CD near

Emo girls are slightly more difficult to sniff out since they tend to bathe more frequently than the men. Your best chances would be at an emo concert, an art gallery, or the campus radio station.

You will need:

1. Jeans
2. Skin-tight band shirt
3. Black-framed glasses

This is how it should happen:

You: <leans against a railing nonchalantly>

Her: I see you like [insert band name from your t-shirt here]

You: Yeah… <sigh>

Her: What’s wrong?

You: Ever wonder what it would be like to be a star? Stars are so cool.

Her: Every day, I have them all over my bag under the pins somewhere.

You: What is life anyway, what does it matter what you do, it’s all gone eventually anyway.

Her: I know… hey… want to have sex?

You: Let’s get going bitch.

Oh you cad.

He may not hit you

• How to seduce preppy guys

First, before you run off hitting on hot prep guys, you’ll need a couple of things:

1. Blonde hair dye
2. To be pretty

Once you’ve got those, go to your local High School sporting event, look for the guy who’s drunk and hollering loudest in the stands, and approach him. The conversation should go like this:

Conversation:

You: Teehee so like football is great and some junk ayuh?

Him: Hey baby is that my face in your pants I’m seeing or are you HOT?

You: hee oh you, let’s go have sex in your truck.

OMG so simple.

• How to seduce preppy girls

…forget it.

Well I am horribly tired and all seduced out. But this is certainly not the last of the folks you can seduce. Soon we’ll be taking a look at gamers, netkids, skaters, and more! So your hone your seducing skills with what we’ve got here today, and I gaurantee you’ll soon find that you can have virtually anyone you want. As long as it’s not me.