I think there is nothing more absolutely mysterious in every way about how something functions than a relationship between two humans. I mean, you can deal with animal relationships, as those are relatively simple; Female seeks male to breed, male lumbers over and initiates in awkward sexual conduct, female is impregnated and will most likely kill or eat the male afterward. It’s all quite simple in it’s ingenuity, and it’s been working for millions of years so why even bother trying to change it?

The human relationship, while similar at the very core of how and why it exists, seems to vary wildly from there. From love to marriage to simply being able to live with your mate without lunging directly at their throat with your teeth in hopes to tear out the menial life that lies within the gooey substance just below their skin simply because they made you miss an episode of the OC. It’s a delicate dance of millions of different factors, and we intend on looking at all of those factors today in hopes to shed light onto the subject. Well, maybe not millions, that just too fucking many.

What is A Relationship?

This is a typical relationship. Notice how it makes you want to vomit

A relationship, at the very core of what a relationship is, is simply an outlet for two partners (possibly more depending how you swing) to be together in a mutual partnership that provides companionship and an outlet for sexual actions and possible reproduction. This is the simple definition. If relationships stayed at this core of things, no one would likely complain. It would be an almost mechanical action, much like how it used to be until midway through the 1900s.

Up until then, your basic relationship consisted of a man picking his woman, usually at a dangerously young age, then waiting until she was old enough so that he could marry her and other people wouldn’t think him to be a horrible monster. This was referred to as “betrothing”. The woman had virtually no say in this, and resigned herself to a life of servitude to her new husband. This is when relationships were simple and worked. In fact I have yet to hear of one time in this period where a woman got pissy because her husband refused to tell her his feelings and then posted shitty poetry about it on Myspace. No, back then if a man were met with that, he would firmly discipline her with a good tar and feathering, or possibly by calling her a witch and burning her alive at the stake, something sorely lacking in modern day relationships.

Things worked well enough up until the middle of the 1900s, when women somehow got the idea that they have free will. Apparently some woman took off her bra and women everywhere danced in the streets naked and became lesbians. Bewildered, the males mostly stood around looking confused in that way that guys usually look when women lose their minds, as they had no real way of dealing with this, since stoning your woman to death to be rid of the evil spirits had long since been frowned upon. Men then retaliated by becoming completely retarded, simply not understanding what was happening or how to deal with these women that suddenly demanded equality in the relationship. Shortly after, someone made daytime television and everything went to hell after that.

Times Have Changed

When a relationship didn't need all that "love" and "fairness" women demand these days

Since then, the very basis of what a relationship is is seemingly decided on a relationship to relationship basis. No more are you simply able to pick your wife at your leisure, knowing that this will be your lifelong partner, and women now have the choice to be with whom they want and why. It’s a brave new world. A world that’s still trying to figure out just how the fuck to make these modern day relationships work, as they seem to be an almost complete mystery. Something you think is entirely perfect will inevitably blow up in your face, while being miserable and constantly berated will be your longest relationship by far.

This is mainly because there are apparently as many ideas as to what a relationship should be as there are relationships. No one agrees as to what they are anymore. To some they’re just a fling, to others they are an important measure of where their life is going, and still to others the relationship is simply a means to see how fast they can achieve oral sex so that they can brag to their friends the next day. It’s almost limitless. This new age way of thinking to what a relationship is has left most people completely confused on what a relationship should be, making them forge their own ideas from either fantastical situations that will never happen outside of a show on the WB, or fantastic failures from previous relationships. Both ideas in turn lead to 2347832747289 sub-ideas, all of which must be met or the relationship is considered a failure and must be ended immediately.

Once in a while though, two people will find some sort of common traits, and will begin a new relationship, usually based on a night of drunken sex inside your friend’s closet. This then begins the wonderful first steps of a new relationship that you’ll usually find will be far more awkward than closet sex ever was. Just prolonged over a period of months, or until you both realize you’re insane.

Welcome to Your Modern Relationship

Going into any relationship can easily be compared to slowly taking steps into a lake of acid. You can take the first few steps as slow as you want, but sooner or later you’ll inevitably be screaming for mercy as most of your body is slowly dissolved into a goo.

Many relationships can be divided into two separate categories:

This diagram shows just some of the various factors involved in making a relationship work

Why Am I So Fucking Miserable?

You have allowed yourself to become content with something that you knew in the first place you weren’t happy with. But since you feel you have obligations to your partner, you stay in the relationship even though you obviously know it means nothing to you. This is easily the best sort of relationship to be in as each person realizes they are miserable, thus securing the relationship for years to come. A family will soon be started up, a house will be bought, and you will both grow old, despising each other the entire way. You will sit and wonder why you have wasted an entire life on something that has slowly killed you from the inside since day one, and finally die a depressing death. Congratulations on having a successful relationship!

Why Am I So Fucking Happy?

Your relationship is doomed to fail. Bail out now while you have the chance. This is the most dangerous relationship, because it’s obvious something has went wrong somewhere along the line. There has been a glitch of sorts, and will be corrected shortly when the relationship is ended out of nowhere one day, leaving you lying on the floor in a puddle of three days worth of tears. We suggest finding someone you have menial interest in and vice-versa for a strong, lasting relationship.

You may have noticed the outcomes of both of these type of relationships are not ideal, nor offer any sort of appeal, and generally seem to suck the life out of anyone involved no matter what the outcome. If so, then congratulations, you are ready for a relationship.

There are of course many other types of relationships, like the fuckbuddy relationship, the trophy partner relationship, and any sort of teen relationship, but none of those count since they seem to exist only for the entertainment and humor of others not involved.

Dealing With Your Relationship

Now that you have found someone that you think you can stomach every day for the rest of your life, you’re going to quickly find out the various time periods that your relationship will quickly go through. Let’s take a look at some of these various stages. Please note these stages can take place anywhere in the span of years to just a few hours:

The Beginning, or; Enjoy it While You Can

The Beginning of any relationship is generally the best part of it. Everything is shiny and new, your partner is now the center of your every thought and action, you spend insane amounts of time talking to each other, and generally everything seems like a nice happy package, all bundled up in fancy paper. Paper made out of love. With puppies and shit running around because holy fuck it’s just so goddamn perfect and oh god you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her it’s so amazing love love love etc. This will quickly lead into:

After the Beginning, or; Why Does Everything He/She Does Make Me Want To Choke Him/Her?

So you’ve made it through the Beginning Congratulations. But now that shiny new coat of paint has wore off, and underneath is a coat of rust and nasty looking scratches. You suddenly find that spending 24 hours a day with your partner is on par with pulling out each individual hair on your head one at a time. The little things that you may have noticed in the Beginning that didn’t bug you have now all become brain-spasming issues that make you come within seconds of violent screaming every time it happens.

The love you felt from the start will slowly mutate over into an overwhelming feeling of just “going through the motions”. Your relationship is now blossoming into something more on par with living with a parental figure you despise. Except that you didn’t have bland sex with your parents. If you did then you should probably end the relationship now and never leave your house again. If not, it’s time to move onto:

The “Mature” Relationship, or; God Please Just Let Him/Her Die Somehow

You can tell mature couples when you see them. They have this look of complete surrender. Neither really talk to each other or generally try to spend time around each other unless they think they have to. They look forward to taking a good dump more than having good sex, It’s so clear that they genuinely despise their relationship, but yet both will hang on for god knows how long, no matter how much either is treated like shit or feels less human than your common animal. This is portrayed by many sitcoms through the years, like the Honeymooners, All in the Family, Married With CHildren, etc. The only difference being that there is no laugh track, or really anything endearing about your relationship.

The Later Stages, or; This Bitch Has Done Gone Wild

Now that both people are thoroughly miserable, it’s only a matter of time before two things happen:

1 – Your partner will become so miserable of the relationship that they will lose their mind, going so far as to cheat, have secret affairs, or generally revert to a mindset of “Fuck this shit” and go on wild binges. This will continue until the other person decides they’ve had enough, or until one of you shoot the other in the head while you’re asleep and try to collect life insurance money.

or:

2 – You will both end up marrying each other and living out your lives in a dreary day-to-day fashion that culminates in either a messy divorce, or several fucked up kids that will need counseling some day.

In the event of either of those outcomes though, congratulations, you’ve had a relationship far more than any of us can hope for.

Realizing Relationships Are Worthless and Life-Draining

So here you are. You’ve given it your all and yet you’re right back where you started. Broken and at least a good chunk of your life spent dealing with someone who obviously didn’t give a shit anyway. You’re mad, you’re hurt, and you swear you’ll never put yourself through the indignity of another relationship again. It’s just not worth it really. All that time devoted to one person when there’s so much more you could be and do. You’re not owned by anyone, you answer to no one, you’re your own person, and now it’s time to show the world that you are, in fact, better than the shit it hands you. AM I RIGHT, YOU SIMPLE LITTLE BITCH?

YEAH. NO BITCH IS GONNA HOLD ME DOWN. MY LIFE IS JUST BEGINING!

This type of thinking of course inevitably leads back to:

It’s Time to Start A New Relationship

Just hope your partner eats you this time.