There was once a time in America when sex was considered quite the taboo subject. This of course, was mostly during the 50’s through the 60’s. A time many people consider America at it’s most innocent, and in many more people’s opinion it’s most boring. During those twenty or so years, America went through a time when it was considered truly horrible to even mention anything that remotely had to do with sex. Close intimate relationships were frowned upon, and many husbands and wives slept in separate beds. Except maybe on those rare occasions when they were both feeling “frisky”, and would get their groove on by going in the living room and watching I love Lucy until they weren’t feeling those oh-so evil sexual urges anymore, and then went back to bed.

When a woman was a woman...and not dressed up in an animal costume

My how times have changed. Just a little over forty years later and it’s impossible to flip through local cable stations without seeing generous amounts of sex, violence, TV talk shows featuring hookers throwing chairs at their ex lovers, and also the occasional tampon commercial. People now openly discuss their sexual lives with friends, describing even the smallest of details at length to gaping-mouthed coworkers. Sex is now considered common place in our society and is actually encouraged by psychiatrists and horny boyfriends alike. Many would say we are living in the golden age of sexual awareness. Others however, might think we are indulging our sexual sides too much.

As with all the good things that comes with being more open about sex in general, comes the obvious downside to anything that becomes accepted: some people simply don’t know when to stop, and end up taking their sexuality way, WAY too far. I of course am speaking of that wonderful word:

Fetishes

If you are not familiar with what a fetish is, then it is obvious you have been living in a small plastic bubble since 1990, unable to view or hear modern society, except through a small plastic view hole. Even in those extreme circumstances though, I’m sure you would have some basic understanding of what the fetish is. But for the uninitiated of you out there, I will try to explain.

A fetish is what happens when you take sex, and combine it with a random noun, and then masturbate to it. Sounds simple right? It is. In fact it seems to be just a little bit too simple, as new fetishes are springing up all over the world at an alarming rate seemingly at random. One day you may be all about the “ice cream and goldfish sex fetish” only to be topped a few days later by the “cute hamster drawings sex fetish” that is currently sweeping the country. So as you can see, a fetish can be pretty much anything, and can be made at the drop of the hat, including the “hardcore hat dropping fetish”.

So seeing that the world of fetishes has so many options, it may seem very intimidating to the casual person who is currently interested in a fetish, but doesn’t know where to begin. With this in my mind I decided to make a small guide to help aid you in your hunt for freakish sexual pleasure. Simply keep reading and see if any of the questions that will be asked fit your personality, or that you may think you might enjoy masturbating to most. And so with that said, let’s begin our look at some fetishes, in hopes that we can get your normal ass straightened out with a healthy dose of disturbing sexual crazes.

The OMGJeremy Guide to Fetishes

Question #1:

I have noticed that whenever my cat rubs up against me, I get incredibly “frisky”. Also, whenever I see someone dressed as an animal, I get turned on immensely. Is there a fetish right for me?

Answer:

Of course there is you bag of stupidity! In fact, the fetish you just mentioned is one of the more common fetishes going around today. That fetish is referred to as:

The Furry Fetish

Or what more common people refer to it as:

Really fucking disturbing

A furry fetish is what happens when freakishly disturbing and mentally twisted people such as yourself, decide that dressing up as animals and being around other like-minded people is simply the bee’s knee’s. A quick look at the picture to the right should give you a good idea of what a Furry is all about. After looking at that picture, do you have the urge to be with this person and interact with “it”? Also, if by looking at that picture you find yourself getting turned on, then you definitely qualify to be a furry, and could probably even go so far as to be called a hard-core furry, as I simply cannot imagine any living organism being turned on by that  picture.

But the furry fetish does not just stop at looking at alarmingly frightening people dressed up as animals. No, the road gets much more twisted from here on out, as we take a look at some of the stranger offshoot fetishes that the furry people have created in their ever growing effort to make us all shove bags of nails down their throats:

Giant Furries Having Sex:

Did you know that there are people living in this country that think giant Godzilla-sized animal humanoids having sex with busses and large buildings is what they imagine when they think of erotic acts? Yes, these people do exist, and this person could even be living in your state, or even neighborhood. Hell, he could be right next door to you, watching you, and masturbating to the thought of a large furry picking you up and shoving you up it’s ass in sexual ecstasy.

Dressing Up As Disturbing…Things:

Do you have the urge to make normal human beings scream in terror? Then welcome to the exciting world of transforming your wretchedly ugly face into something infinitely more wretched than you could ever imagine. All you need is a little bit of silicone, absolutely no will to live at all, and soon you too will be making animal appendages to stick off of your face just like our hero of the hour over there. If however, you are like the rest of us and have secluded yourself into your closet for the next three days in sheer terror, then this may not be the fetish for you.

So does all of this sound like a crotch-thrusting good time to you? Then a Furry may be just what you need to get through the long stretches of loneliness people such as yourself have. If you think you are interested in this fetish, then by all means get on your local search engine and find a furry group that’s right for you!

Question #2:

Jeremy, I was out the other day and I saw a woman blatantly smash a bug on the sidewalk! The strange thing was, that this turned me on. Watching the helpless bug get stomped by that woman’s high heels gave my pants a lift like I haven’t had in years. Is there something wrong with me?

Answer:

Yes there is something wrong with you. But I’m not here to be your psychiatrist today. What I’m here to tell you is that you have inadvertently stumbled upon the wondrous fetish involving bugs being smashed by women.

Bug Stomping fetish:

Do you have an undeniable urge to strip down to nothing and masturbate at the sight of someone stomping small defenseless bugs? What if that person stomping those bugs were wearing high heels and a short skirt? And finally, what if she was stomping on LOTS of bugs in a controlled environment perfect for smooshing bugs, like a plastic board with a mirror underneath it? If you answered yes to all of these, and are not kidding in the least, then the bug stomping fetish is definitely for you.

Hottt

What makes the bug stomping fetish so mind-jarringly great, is that it’s so readily accessible to anyone. Unlike actual porn, where you have to go to the trouble of finding a woman to take her clothes off and have sex, with bug stomping all you need to do is go outside and start smashing away. In no time you will have worked up enough masturbatory material for several hours. For an added bonus, if you are lucky enough to have a girlfriend, then you can make her step on the bugs while you go crazy with your hand down your pants. If she does not get visibly frightened and call the police, then you’ll be in fetish heaven.

But the bug stomping fetish does not stop with just the small bugs we all enjoy to flick off our arms during the summer. No, it gets even better when larger bugs come into play. Imagine what a normal person would feel like if they saw three very hot women women enter their house and begin doing various pleasurable sexual acts to them for several days, and you may get the idea of how a bug fetish person feels when they see a giant banana slug get it’s internal organs squeezed out by a stiletto high top. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s see what an official bug stomping fetish web site is offering you to make your wretched fantasies come true!

“A whole hour of cricket crushing! Mistress Chloe stomp and torture her helpless victims. Crickets make an excellent substitution for men who treat women with no respect!! She crushed them in a variety of shoes wearing suntan pantyhose. There are plenty of giantess camera angles, making it easy for you to imagine yourself as her victim. You will see her crush crickets unmercifully with her long fingernails. See what happens when these pitiful crickets make the mistake of entering her unoccupied shoe…… ”

Oh SHIT. Hold me back.

So it sounds pretty good right? You can’t go wrong with this fetish, and I’m willing to bet you can get all of those annoying “humans” out of your life for good once you begin explaining in detail why you have a VHS tape of giant hissing cockroaches being stepped on repeatedly.

Question #3:

Dear Jeremy. Yesterday I was in the kitchen cutting up some ham when the knife dropped out of my hand and went straight through my kneecap! While the pain was blinding, and I could feel I was about ready to pass out from massive blood loss, I felt the uncontrollable urge to pull down my pants and masturbate. I think the pain triggered it. What do you think?

Answer:

It seems you’ve found the universally reviled fetish of self mutilation! So grab your nearest sharp object, and listen up.

Body Mutilation Fetish:

Do you thoroughly enjoy when a part of your body gets cut off or stabbed with sharp objects? If you do, then the exciting world of body mutilation may be your answer. Yes, luckily for you, there are tons (a few dozen) of other people out there who cannot get off without having a sharp knife stabbed through their ass meat. It’s all the rage amongst the hardcore crowds, and I gaurantee once you’ve had a sharp object jammed into your testicles over and over until you pass out, you’ll wonder how you ever masturbated to regular porn again.

ugh

This is another relatively easy to access fetish, as it requires barely any effort from you at all. In fact, most things you need for this can be found right in your kitchen. Pretty much any sharp object or metal cutlery can be used to make your wildest fantasies come true. See that knife over in the sink? It may still have old pizza on it, but it will cut through your nipple just as good as anything else. And those scissors? You can easily use those to separate several layers of skin and meat from your penis with no problem at all. Were you thinking how dull that potato knife looks sitting on the table? Imagine how fabulous it will look sticking out of your anus! It’s not surprising the best things in life are so close to home.

I’m certainly ready to try my hand at this exciting fetish, and you should be too. If those other fetishes just aren’t hard-core enough for you, then the exciting world of self mutilation is all for you. Plus, you’ll be even more of a man when you cut those oh-so annoying nipples of yours off with cement wedge. HOTTT!

Question #4:

Hey there Jeremy. I was in my little sister’s room the other day when I caught a glimpse of a couple of her stuffed animals laid on top of each other in an inadvertent sexual position. Thing is, this totally turned me on! I couldn’t get the image out of my head all day, until I finally got in an empty bathtub and began pleasing myself for several hours at the thought of those two stuffed animals in heat. What’s the dillio?

Answer:

Why that’s simple! All you have is the uncontrollable urge to watch stuffed animals have sex. Or as us professionals call it, the:

Plushie Fetish:

Do you enjoy making exotic sex scenes with your stuffed animals for your own sexual fantasies? If so, then you are a sick mother fucker, and should definitely consider getting into the stuffed animal fetish. All you need is a bunch of stuffed animals, an incredibly small brain, and soon you’ll be in ecstasy that can only be described as, “motherfuckintastic”.

When your girlfriend was sitting on your face giving you a handjob the other day, did you find yourself more turned on by her stuffed Kermit the Frog out of the corner of your eye? Could you imagine Kermit getting up, grabbing that stuffed bunny next to him, and planting his bulbous green member deep into it’s stuffed bowels? Did you secretly wish you could forego the handjob altogether and ask your girlfriend if she would rub her stuffed flamingos all over your hot wet body? If you did, then you probably wouldn’t have a girlfriend much longer, or for that matter the ability to urinate without intense pain after she stomped on your genitals repeatedly for even thinking such a thing (although, if you find yourself being turned on by this, then see the Body Mutilation Fetish above).

It’s quite simple to live out your wildest fantasies with your stuffed animals. All you need is a couple of willing (or unwilling for the rough stuffed animal sex) stuffed animals to fulfill your fantasies. This could be a few of your old Pound Puppies to participate in a sensual threesome, or a stuffed bunny and a stuffed bear for hot interracial action. And we all know how well endowed those bears are.

Not only is it easy and gratifying, but you can claim to your friends about being truly cutting-edge in your sexual life. That is if you have any friends, which probably won’t be the case. But I’m sure there is a local message board on the Internet that will be more than willing to listen to you. At least until they get scared of you and ban you. But I wouldn’t let that stop you, as I’m sure there are millions of people who share your stuffed animal urges.

Conclusion:

This is by no means the definitive guide on fetishes, as I could go on describing countless more, but this article is already running long, and that picture of that plushie above is disturbing me far more than it should. So take what you have learned and call this an educational experience. You certainly don’t need to follow the guidelines set above either. As we said earlier that a fetish can consist of anything. Want to combine the stuffed animal fetish with the self mutilation fetish for the ultimate disturbing omega fetish? Then go for it big guy. It’s whatever gets you off, and in present day I’m sure you will be smiled on for being so unique and healthy in your sexuality.

Hopefully this article has helped you in some way. If not, then hopefully the picture of that furry painting himself at the top will make you stay up for days, which was the original intent of this article. I just needed a bunch of words and a good excuse to put it up. So let’s all give a hand to everyone out there who is much different from us, and enjoys things we could never imagine. It’s these people that make this world go around, and our talk shows so much more interesting.

Good night America!

Oh what the hell. One more time: